Something Swift this way comes…

Anyone who knows me knows that I try never to discuss two things (especially online). One is religious beliefs, the other is political beliefs. These two things can lead to a discussion that can rend friendships faster than anything in the world. I don’t know why that may be, other than the fact that they are both carefully structured belief systems that people jealously guard with all their might lest some strong wind or ideology come and blow them over. I don’t particularly care for our American system of government – don’t mistake me, I love democracy, and I love the fact that we are a capitalist society. I fully believe that people should be rewarded for the hard work and effort they put into their own livelihood. That said, I don’t like the way that elections are carried out by the government. It seems like too often there’s a too-convoluted process by which the heads of our state are elected into office. The fact that the very rules of each election change so often as to polling places and what the poll workers can and can’t do is disconcerting at best. I think though, that the biggest thing that gets me is the fact that our American vote is referred to as the ‘popularity’ vote. That the actual election of the president of the USA is left, not in the hands of the people he is striving to govern, but a select few folks in the electoral college.

This smacks of a system that mistrusts the people they are supposed to be serving. It seems that the longer we go into the future, the less our government seems to realize that they function only to serve us, not the other way around. All this said to say this – I went and voted today. One of the benefits of living in Georgia is that I can vote early. The process was relatively straight-forward, however I can’t help but think that my vote won’t be counted, that it won’t matter in the great scheme of things. I voted not for a president but against another running for president, and that is not ever a good situation to be in. I feel that our government has somehow let me down, that it is failing to serve me and my fellow Americans as it should. I’m not disgruntled I guess, just simply saddened and disheartened. I feel like we’ve lost our moral compass, and that the only people running for government anymore are simply politicians, not leaders. I can only imagine what the divisiveness and bickering of today would have brought about if it had gone on at the birth of our nation. It almost destroyed us once in the civil war and we have not yet learned our lesson. I can’t help but wonder if we’ll ever get back on keel.

Anyways, all that said to say this – if you get a chance to throw your voice out into the void, you might as well, from one indifferent disheartened citizen to the next. If nothing else, it may be good for a look at the fallacy that government has become.

S

I told a friend today about how sleepy I’ve been for the last several days…just wanting to sleep and sleep and sleep. They said that sleeping over-much was a sign of depression. Damn it. That’s the thing about friends, they know you too well. I couldn’nt really say much except that yeah, that’s probably a big part of it. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. It seems like I wander from one empty room of my life to the next, looking for something, searching for something that I know I’m supposed to have, but can never quite find.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Dream a Little Dream, the part where he’s looking through the house looking for something, going from room to room to room in a restless, pacing search looking for answers that aren’t there – that’s how I feel now. Blue and faded and washed out of reality, unable to really say or do anything to fix what I’m feeling and unable to help it. Drugs? Councilling? A day off? I don’t know that any of it will do whatever it is that needs to be done. Somehow it feels like a deepening spiral staircase winding either ever upwards or ever downwards…I’ve been on it so long now I don’t even know which direction it’s going anymore.

Hell isn’t awash with flames and imps dancing around to jab you in the ass when you slow your toil…hell is not knowing what to do, where to go, or why you’re where you’re at. Life ain’t no crystal stair.

Something is fundamentally broken within me, something that used to be sharp, something that once cut up my insides like slivered glass spearing into my soul, now it’s just blunted down from a lifetime of cuts and scrapes, worn smooth so that it pushes painfully, bludgeoning me into despair and lowliness. Sometimes I feel it rubbing against that calloused spot in my soul and wonder when it’s just going to burst through and take me with it. An unnameable drudging hurt inside a bowed head. So yeah.

I’ve been wanting to sleep a lot lately.

Maybe I’m just really tired.

S

So I’ve been working and sleeping lately. That’s about it. Life sometimes takes a place in a rut and just spins there for a while. Sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes not. This time I’ve just been kind of sitting in neutral and doing the things that needed to be done. Most of you that keep track of this sort of thing will notice that I haven’t been online that much. There has been a slight shift this last few weeks and I haven’t felt as much of a draw to be online. To be completely honest with myself, I’ve felt more of a draw to just sit back and relax, rest and let the world pass me by for a little while. Sometimes it’s like that. You pays your money and you takes what they give you.

In other news, I’m going today to get some dental work done. I’ve been putting it off for over a year and finally (this week) asked myself why I’m putting it off. Turns out that the answer was sheer laziness. I don’t mind getting dental procedures done, not like they’re my favourite thing in the world, but it’s not a case where I dread it like most folks. I’ve just been lazy. It’s my nature to take care of everyone else first, to do the things that they need done before anything else without worrying anything about the things that I need to get done. I guess selflessness is a good thing up to a point, but when self disappears and you are simply waiting as an empty vessel for anyone with a great or seemingly great need to come by and fill you up with their needs so that you can have a purpose…that’s a point where you’ve completely lost perspective and sense of self. You’re now living for them instead of living a balanced life of taking care of you and them. I realized that earlier this week that if I don’t take care of myself and do the ‘little’ things that need to be done, no one else is going to do them for me, certainly not when they can get me to do something for them instead.

I don’t see people as being so much selfish or greedy in that way, simply that most folks are not in a place where they’re willing to just do for other folks. They have too much on them they’re dealing with, too much they have to focus on, and it becomes easy for me to help people deal with their issues rather than face mine…usually alone. Does this mean that I’m going to be turning inwards and putting myself first in everything? Doubtful; However, I think it’s a step towards learning to take care of myself because others won’t. In the end that’s what life is about – taking steps, moving forward even if it is only one step at a time, learning something new, picking up insights (both about yourself and others) that you’d not seen before.

Maybe I can manage to do this right after everything is said and done.

Maybe not.

S