Something Swift this way comes…

To Whom It May Concern..

No..thats a poor way of starting this letter, because it’s obvious it’s not any concern of yours….hmm…let’s try this again.

Dear Mediacom. No….just doesn’t fit.

One more try.

Dear idiots behind the worst customer service effort in the history of man…… Yeah..that works.

You know, it’s not bad enough that your service SUCKS….but it’s even worse that when your service sucks, you choose not to answer your phone. Where I work, when our customer service sucks, someone’s held accountable (usually me..because it’s usually me that pisses people off). That’s the game. That’s the “customer satisfaction” clause you all signed up for when you took your job working for a “service provider”. But I’m used to this from you. Why it continues to surprise and infuriate me when you do this…is beyond me. You’ve done it enough times. But today…today was the last straw. You see, you and I have been round and round many times regaring your piss-poor service. Now….I have nothing against the customer service team here in our LOCAL mediacom call center. In fact, I have known the man who trains the people here for a small chunk of years….even worked for him for a couple of those years.

I only WISH that the people “I” have to call when my shitty service goes out…were in this call center.

That’s why I’m extremely polite to them when I call the local number. Because they’re more than willing to help. But your idiots that run your tech support centers, don’t deserve to breathe..let alone breathe heavy into the phone. Oh…I’m sorry. I’m rambling, and you have no idea what I’m talking about do you? Let’s star at the beginning. You see, I enjoy my internet service. But lately, it’s just not worked to my satisfaction. It’s slowed down..tremendously.

It’ll load certain web pages but not others. I thought it was my computers…but very obviously, after formatting the hard drives on my computers, and reinstalling windows on both computers, lo and behold, it continued to do it. So, I called mediacom. You insisted “no sir, it’d be all or nothing…it won’t work ‘half way”. Uh huh. So I replaced my router.

Still nothing. Literally….half the web sites won’t come up. I even went so far as to plug in a macintosh laptop and a linux comptuer to my router….to make SURE it wasn’t a software problem. Yup. It didn’t take Gil Grissom to figure this one out (Hey..I’m a CSI Buff…when the cable TV isn’t out..). The service issue (the issue being a LACK of service) came from Mediacom. So I’ve been dealing with it on the promise that it would be fixed. It hasn’t been. That brings us to this morning. This morning. We have all the lights blinking properly on the modem. Two brand-new formatted computers….and a router less than a month old. And NO INTERNET SERVICE. Go figure.

I did what I KNEW the tech’tards would tell me to do first….I unplugged the modem. Reset it, reset the router, shut down both computers, rinse, repeat, repeat again, repeat a third time in a different order. Yup. Absolutely nothing. I figured “Okay, I can just tell Tech support to “skip the riggamoro” and get to the problem. Apply bluetooth headset to right ear. Grab a beer, because it’s going to be a long wait on hold, as it always is. Dial Mediacom tech support number…speed-dial number 45 on ye-olde-segima-phone. WHAT? Busy? That’s strange. Must be a lot of phone calls. Uh…Nope. Called the local number, and it’s busy too. Called back to tech support, for benefit of the doubt….busy…..lo and behold, you louse bastards decide you don’t feel an obligation to explain..you don’t feel an obligation to answer the phone, so you just “busy-out” your phone lines. Nice. What does that say about your customer service. It’s infuriating…it’s ridiculous, and every time I hit that busy signal, Bellsouth (excuse me, the new AT&T) got one step closer to being installed in this house. On about the fifth call. I had enough. At LEAST Bellsouth had the common courtesy to TELL me that their sales department was closed for the holiday…and that was a live voice telling me that. Granted it was some indian woman with a name I can’t pronounce, going under the name “Alma Smith”, but it was STILL a live voice. Thanks. And now I find out, from the people at Bellsouth, who have received NUMEROUS calls today because of this..that it’s a Mediacom outage covering Georgia, Florida and Alabama. And that Mediacom informed customers taht it would not be fixed until tomorrow at minimum, because they don’t have anyone working on the holiday. Excuse me, but if people’s need to USE the internet doesn’t cease because of the holiday, why would YOUR need to fix it cease because of a holiday. Total horseshit, if you ask me. The crew and staff of mediacom (save for the previously mentioned acquaintances) are lazy, unreliable, and I dare say…stupid. I’ve had enough. You have done it for the last time. You’ve busied out your phone line on me for the last time. Enough is enough for this white boy…..I’ve got an AT&T Cell phone…AT&T Internet service will come at a discount..

So those of you with my email address….expect it to change soon

By Edgar Guest

I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day;

I’d rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way.

The eye’s a better pupil and more willing than the ear,

Fine counsel is confusing, but example’s always clear;

And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,
For to see good put in action is what everybody needs.

I soon can learn to do it if you’ll let me see it done;

I can watch your hands in action, but your tongue too fast may run.

And the lecture you deliver may be very wise and true,

But I’d rather get my lessons by observing what you do;
For I might misunderstand you and the high advise you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

When I see a deed of kindness, I am eager to be kind.
When a weaker brother stumbles and a strong man stays behind
Just to see if he can help him, then the wish grows strong in me
To become as big and thoughtful as I know that friend to be.

And all travelers can witness that the best of guides today
Is not the one who tells them, but the one who shows the way.
One good man teaches many, men believe what they behold;
One deed of kindness noticed is worth forty that are told.

Who stands with men of honor learns to hold his honor dear,
For right living speaks a language which to every one is clear.
Though an able speaker charms me with his eloquence, I say,
I’d rather see a sermon than to hear one, any day.

I get home the other day and my wife says “Jerry Falwell died”. I knew instantly it would be a damn long night….simply because I knew what was waiting for me in my inbox. Emails from countless people wanting me to say something harsh, or issue another one of my famous “text-based-bitch-slaps” to him, simply because everyone knew that’s my way. In fact, know what one person said about me? They said I’m what would happen if Rush Limbaugh went on tour with Led Zeppelin….and continued to say “Venom…with a better vibe”. I’ll take BOTH of those as a compliment…and officially, may end up changing up some of my catch phrases (or at least my MySpace tag line…). (Edit: I have changed my OWN blog title and subtitle to that)

But one thing I won’t lower myself to is to publicly hate on somebody after they’re gone…with one exception…Anna Nicole Smith and she doesn’t count, because over 75% of her was plastic.

I’ll state this right off the bat. It sucks that he died. It sucks when anyone dies. And by no means will you ever find a membership card to the Moral Majority in MY name….I don’t follow his “morals” and he’s far from the leader of any “majority” I’ll ever be part of…but let’s face it….he did have do half-way decent things with his life.

Jerry Falwell was a major force behind getting Ronald Reagan elected, and a good “majority’ of people in this country will say, regardless of party affiliations, that his presidency was a great, great time for America. And he was NOT scared to go right-up-in-your-face with topics of national concern….no matter HOW controversial… I’ll state it right out loud…I don’t agree with his views on gay rights… As a married, heterosexual person, I STILL firmly believe in “to each their own”. I have friends who are gay, and we respect each other’s boundaries. They don’t throw their preference in my face, and I don’t push my beliefs on them, and we all get along. I won’t alienate one specific person because of their choice in that matter….I might alienate them for being an asshole….which may or may not have something to do with the other issue…but I’ll alienate them on the ‘asshole’ card, not the ‘homosexual’ card. In fact, I’m 110% opposed to his idea of same-sex marriage being the equivalent of “slavery”. Don’t know where he got that…but that’s just way off-base. Same with the topic of abortion. No matter what anyone will tell me…try to teach me, show me graphic pictures of, or preach at me about, I’m 200% opposed to abortion….I agree with him on that. I think it’s wrong on any level or from any direction from which you care to approach it. For that aspect, Jerry Falwell and I agree on that much. But two days after 9/11, he made a comment that abortion activists and gay rights activists were responsible for the terror attacks. Dead wrong there….but it’s not whether he was right or wrong…its’ the fact that he was not scared to bring these issues right out there, lay them on the table and say “here it is…you want some…come get some”. That’s what you have to admire him for.

Again, I won’t tell you that everything he said was dead-on. In fact, as I’ve stated a lot of what he said I just figured someone out in the outer cosmos implanted in his head….and just makes you go “Huh?”.

If someone were to say “are you a supporter of Jerry Falwell” I’d flat out tell you no….with a couple of caveats. I’m do not endorse or support Jerry Falwell, but I do think he did amazing things bringing together people of a TON of races and religions for some common purpose…regardless of what that purpose was, and whether or not I agree with it, he should be remembered for the GATHERING itself….and for not being scared to open his mouth for fear of repercussion from other people…and when he did open his mouth…he backed it up, for the most part, and stood firm.

What do I think of Jerry Falwell’s views? Not entirely something I’d say I follow.

What do I think of Jerry Falwell, the televangelist? No thanks. Preachers of any type bother me…just because most preachers are hypocrites (remember my take on Chuck Norris a few weeks back?)

How about Jerry Falwell, the humanitarian…and the man? Yeah. I gotta give it to him….he did a lot of good, it just got overshadowed by a lot of controversy.

So to all of you who expected me to post a blog singing “Ding dong the witch is dead” at Jerry Falwell….sorry…not going to happen. Now…you want me to post some more “bucket kicks bucket” jokes about Anna Nicole…bring it on….I got a ton of them…

Falwell was, in his own way a great authority figure on a lot of things he said….Just remember….we all have as much authority as the Pope…we just don’t have as many people who believe it.

The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic now I’m an American — you know you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? “That’s a bad word!!” Awwww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. And tits doesn’t even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. “Hey, Tits, come here, man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots”. Sounds like a snack…oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don’t mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n’ Sesame Tits n’ Cheese Tits…Tater Tits. Bet you can’t eat just one!!
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
20. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
21. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to to us, she said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts; I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievments on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment there not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things.
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I’ve this creeping
Suspicion that things here are not as they seem
Reassure me
Why do I feel as if I’m in too deep?
Now I’ve been praying
For some way to show them
I’m not what they see
Yes, I have done wrong
But what I did I thought needed be done
I swear

Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
Oh, but this weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go
I was just wondering if you’d come along
To hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go alone
I’m a long way
From that fool’s mistake
And now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I’ll be ok
I was just wondering if you’d come along
To hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go alone
I go a long way
To bury the past for I don’t want to pay
Oh, how I wish this
To turn back the clock and do over again
I was just wondering if you’d come along
To hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go alone

I need so
To stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close
And it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold
I was just wondering if you’d come along
Tell me you will.

- Dave Matthews -