Something Swift this way comes…

Well…the week started out horribly, but I guess that’s just life. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I can’t change what is any faster than I’m doing it. I have to accept who I am, and what I can do before anyone else accepts me I guess. So, perhaps this is just a way for me to come to realize that I’ve a ways to go yet, and that’s okay. I hope that they find who they’re looking for and I hope that person is able to fulfill their needs.

The rest of the week has been okay I suppose…I’ve spent it like every other week: Head down and moving forward. Took a test in my TCP/IP class and made a 96 on it…Didn’t honestly think I was going to do that well, but I’ve got an excellent teacher, even though the subject matter in that particular chapter was dry and boring as all hell. I mean, really, who loves to read about packet structures and the differing fields in the seperate protocol’s packets?

I mean, seriously, come on, I know I’m a geek…but I\’m not /that/ much of a geek. Okay, so maybe I am, but even that wore a bit thin after the second day. I have to take two tests next week, one in each of my independant study classes and I’m not /too/ worried about them.

So, on the whole, school is going well…work is work, how interesting can it really be to talk about Data Entry? I sit and type all night. Not the most personally rewarding of all the jobs in the world, but it pays well and it helps me focus and pay attention to details.

I realized earlier today that when I started school, my social life stopped. I’ve pretty much pushed out any time for myself that I used to have or used to make for myself…now it’s a constant rush from one thing to another…and I’ve made myself a promise that when school is done, I’m going to get a social life once more, even if it’s just me going out and watching a movie by myself or doing something that\’s jut for fun, and not to be learning something, or be working for someone. That whole concept feels so alien to me right now, even as I write about it…to just do something for fun, something that doesn’t /have/ to be done because it’ll lead to a job, or a raise, or a grade, or a promotion, or whatever, and not because anyone else wants or needs me to do something for them. I don’t mind helping people out, not at all. in fact, I think that’s part of my problem – I give and give and give until there’s nothing left of myself, just an empty clay vessel that once held life and desires. And I never even realized that there was something wrong with that until a good friend pointed out that I never did anything just for myself. I can’t help but feel selfish when I think about doing something just for me…feel like I’m cheating someone else out of something, or wasting time that could be better spent doing something that needs to be done. But you know what? I realized that that’s foolish, that fun is a necessary part of life, that you can’t have good mental health without it. This quarter has been the least fun that I’ve had so far, and has felt the most like I’ve just been slogging through with no apparent end in sight. So, without some kind of fun, it has felt like I’ve been slowly losing my mind.

My time is precious to me, I have always felt this way, and my wife and I have an understanding….there are times when I just need some ’me’ time, and she has been so good about that over the last eight years. When we first married, she didn’t understand it, and couldn’t grok why I was so moody and uncommunicative at times. I guess that I’m weird, but there are times when I just have to completely unplug from everything, from everyone, even from myself to an extent…stop being the mask that I put on for the public and just go back to being me, that hidden part of me that is within that ocassionally comes out and demands his own time. I think she realizes how important it is to me to be able to just shut the door and shut everything and everyone out for a while…and I haven’t done that in a while. Oh sure, I go into my office and shut the door, but I\’m still not disconnected from the world…I\’m still doing things for people, working at something, or studying. The things I do grind away at the me that I am, and I can’t stand it anymore.

And for bru, no, I’m not dropping out of school, so don’t call mom and dad and tell them that I’ve lost my mind. I’m just coming to a realization: To continue on from this point, I need to be able to do something just for me, whether people think that it’s selfish or not, I need it for my mental stability and well being. Or else I’m going to end up taking a sword into a convenience store and practicing my kata on some hapless rednecks. Which might not be such a bad idea….*smirks*

And now, for the sappy part of our programe…compliments that I want to remember:

Debarry – You once told me that I was smart enough to be a genticist. I have never forgotten this and coming from you, that is one of the best things I’ve ever had anyone say to me.

My Sweet Bug – You told me once that CSI\’s Gil Grissom reminded you strongly of me, that we had the same kind of inquisitive nature and calculating intellect….this has stuck with me for a long time, because, well, I fucking /love/ that show and he’s my favourite character..very much a modern day Sherlock Holmes and that’s another character that I love. This makes me smile every time I think about it and it makes me feel wonderful.

To two of the ladies I work with – Yeah, I heard you that night when I came back in to get my sunglasses that I’d forgotten on my desk. When I heard you talking about me and how I read every night and then the other one said ’Yeah, he’s /so/ smart’, I was flummoxed. It’s hard for me to accept the good opinions of other people, especially when you realize that they are true opinions and not just a nice facade put on for your benefit. I know that neither of you read this blog and will probably never find it, but I wanted to put this memory down on paper because every now and then, I think about it and it just floors me completely that someone would think I’m smart, someone that doesn’t really know me much outside of work.

To the kid that I helped fix his mushcode and gave advice to on running a mush: You told me I was an ’internet Elvis’, the ’Kurt Russell of the Mush world’. I don’t know how true that is, and I don’t know if anyone else shares that belief, but my first thought was ’Who?? Me?!?’ to this day, that still makes me chuckle, and if it isn’t true, I wish it were…hell, it oughta be, because that’s just funny. Besides, I like Kurt Russell anyways. Big Trouble in Little China and Soldier. Both excellent films.

So…yeah, I’ve talked your ears off tonight, and most of it was just me downloading directly to the page. I hope you skipped the boring parts and that you enjoyed the rest…and if you didn’t, I hope you didn’t waste much time reading it then. And now, I’m going to stop writing and hope that someone will leave a comment or two I like the comments

S

Well.

Isn’t this just ducking fucky. I went in for a job interview today and didn’t get the job. Where it is isn’t important. I don’t have enough experience. So, how much do I suck? Sometimes it feels like all the work I do is for nothing…I feel like I’m wasting my life and my time striving for something when no one will hire me to do the job I want to do. Apparently I’m entry level material and nobody wants to hire an entry level person. That’s great. Thanks. I guess what I’m going to end up having to do, if I really want to get a job doing what I want to do is move to a place where they want people with ‘entry level skills’. And thanks guys, but don’t fucking sit there and tell me you’ll call me if something opens up. I know that just as soon as I walked out the door that my resume, the resume that I sweated over for three hours the other day, trying to get it /just/ right, to make it attractive to you specifically, went right into the trashcan. I’m not mad at them for needing someone with more experience…but I’m afraid that I’ll never get a /chance/…that’s all I want. I just want a chance. I want a chance to learn, a chance to grow, a chance to prove myself capable. Everyone tells me to get certifications, this will improve my chances of getting a job…I get to the point where I’m ready to try and take certifications soon, and everyone tells me that certifications don’t mean shit, that it’s hands on experience that matters. Well, I can’t fucking pay someone to let me get handson experience. All I can do is sit there and tell you that I keep my head down, go through the classes, do the work, learn the systems, and get good grades. I can sit there and tell you that I’ve worked with the stuff at home, that I’m trying day in and day out to make myself better, more suitable for a job. And all I get is ‘I’m sorry, we’re looking for someone with more experience, but we’ll call you.’. No, you won’t call me. You’ll forget my name as soon as I’m gone, and you won’t have to worry about it. Sure, there’s someone out there that’s got more experience than me, and they’ll come in and do the job. But how am I ever going to get experience without that one chance? You want someone that’s got experience but you’re not willing to take someone in and train them…nobody is, so how the hell do you expect to find someone with experience?

It is times like now that make me want to give up, to quit and go back to being a nothing, to not trying, to just resign myself to the fact that I’m going to work shit jobs for the rest of my life, jobs that require no experience, just a willingness to sit there and do the work. Why do I even fucking try?

I guess I’m way beyond the pale…

Alright, random thought time. Currently a lot going on in my life. I’ve got school and work going on which is (ab)normal, as usual. I also have some possible changes coming up in my life’s routine that I don’t really want to go into right now. Just suffice it to say that my schedule may be changing soon, depending on an open door and a choice between two paths. As things come up and either resolve or go away on their own, I’ll let you know what it is I’m babbling about.

Sometimes you come up to a path in life where there are two choices and the decision you make can make or break you…I’m at one of those points in my life right now. Hopefully i’ll make the ‘right’ choice, though in this case I don’t know that there’s a right and a wrong one, just probably a better or worse one. So, anyways, yeah.

I’m glad that Rae reminded me to tell you guys about my grades, I’ve been so focused on getting stuff done that I haven’t even thought about telling you guys how I’m doing. Right now I’m doing well in my TCP/IP class, all A’s in there. All A’s in my installation and maintenance class, and thus far A’s and B’s in my MS server 2003 class…it’s not that I don’t get the material in there, and yes, I’m beating myself up over the B’s in there….I just can’t stand the Technical References out for MS..and I don’t particularly like the Operating System either. I’ve tried to make people understand how much I dislike the way MS does some of the things it does, They usually assume I’m kidding and walk away chuckling and shaking their heads. But, I’m not kidding. I end up feeling dirty after having used a MS box – and that’s just over the stinking Licensing agreements. Everyone that I know is tired of hearing me talk about it, and I know there will be some eyes rolling after this post…but you know what? Screw it – this is my little place on the web and if I want to talk about how Microsoft has brainwashed most of the populace into believing that there is no alternative out there, and to fear change, just nod and open your pocketbooks/wallets for their substandard operating system, then I can. I can, and do, work on their systems, and I’ll fix the systems and happily (I’d be dumb not to, and take the money), but I will also keep proseletizing Linux to the people that I love because, dammit, I love you guys…I see a better way out there and I don’t want you to be sheep. I want you to realize that there is another choice out there, a better choice, and to break the chains of bondage, rise up and claim your freedom.
So, next time one of you gets tired of me talking to you about linux, talking about how much better it is, how easy it is to switch over and use it, before you get angry and put on the mental buzz that drones out the sound of my voice, take a moment and think – realize that I give a damn about you guys…if I didn’t care about you, I’d let you continue to be MS drones.

I also wanted to take a couple of minutes and give some shoutouts to friends and family for different things/achievements.

Firstly, to let you guys know what’s going on with mom: She had her last radiation treatment on Friday last week, so she’s back home now and in pain, but healing. Hopefully that will be the last time she has to deal with that particular illness. She’s doing much better than she was and I personally appreciate all the prayers and kind words that all of you have sent over the last few months. Every kind thought and beautiful gesture is much appreciated, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Secondly – HOOOOO fucking RAAAAH!!! To my crazy sister Bru for finally getting her ass back into school and going after her Doctorate’s in Education. Guys? She’s brainy, she’s beautiful, and she’s SINGLE!!! If you’re worth a damn, message me and I’ll hook you up with her >:) You must:

Have a good job, be stable (Not PSYCHO), Love kids, accept that sometimes people just don’t want to be touched, be a good FRIEND first, not just be after sex, and you must love BBW’s who think for themselves. If you meet all of these qualifications, send 50 bucks in a SASE to me and I’ll hook you up. Call it a finders fee *snickers*

To my beautiful Art_Prophetess, I miss you and love you very much honey…and hour a day just isn’t enough, but I love you so much for understanding that what I’m doing right now, I’m doing for the both of us, and our future together (and hopefully whatever kids God sees fit to bless us with whenever He gets around to it). I’m so sorry that your summer ended so soon, and I know it’s tough going back, but you’ll remember the spark, the reason that you got into that career in the first place, and you’ll remember soon. And it won’t be so tough once things hit a rythm and you get your stride. I love you bunches honey and I know you’ll find your smile again soon.

To my buddy Debarry, best friend and brother, keep plugging away at the school work bro…1 year isn’t that long, and soon you’re gonna be done. I’ve been planning on heading to the springs with you just as soon as you’re done. We’ll take some burgers and dogs and throw a shindig to relax and bitch & moan over all the fond memories that you and I have both studied away. And I’m still not gonna call you Dr. Debarry when you’re done. Too stuffy bro. Keep at it and tell the wife hey and that I love and miss you guys.

Rae – Hon, I’m so glad that everything went well with the surgery and that you’re feeling better. I know I’ve told you this already, but I’m /ecstactic/ for you now that you don’t have to deal with those problems anymore. Life is a little easier knowing that you’re better. Give Raist and the munchkins noogies for me.

Steveo – Still haven’t had time to sit down and enjoy one of your shows yet, but for those of you who like great music and a little bit of craziness to spice up your week, go check out steveo’s latest project: http://superwaboworld.com He does ‘live’ shows and puts them up for download and RSS, and he has many, many listeners. Go check it out and give him a few more quality hits – especially if you like the classic rock.

Moonie – You probably still don’t read my blog, but that’s okay. Thanks for having the cojones to tell that bitch Deli to stick it in and break it off. Sideways. I never did like her grubbing, greedy, dumb ass anyways. Since the first night I met her.

Jabanco – you probably don’t read this either, but maybe it’ll get back to ya: Good luck at Quake Con and I hope you frag all their asses. Bring home the trophy man. Good luck.

Amend – stop hanging out in Weird IRC chatrooms….those people are freaky windows Lusers. Get some better friends…preferably ones that use Linux.

To all those that come here and have stuck with me this far? If I didn’t mention you and I know you, I’m sorry, but I’m running out of steam, and hey, it /is/ after 3am. To those of you I don’t know yet, I’m sorry I don’t know you yet. To /all/ of you though?

Take a minute and click the link on the bottom right that says “Register” and leave a comment, introducing yourself, or telling me how great you think I am, or how much I suck, or /something/. I like to get feedback from you guys, even if I’m often too busy to go back and hand tool a reply to every comment, I do read every single comment. I like to know who’s coming and going, and hopefully you’ll take a minute to let me know.

Anyways,

I love all you guys, big and small, I hope that life is being good to your right now, and that you’ve got someone to love, and someone that is being good to you. And for now, that’s all.

God Bless and Keep you,

Swift