Something Swift this way comes…

And we are homeless, we are homeless
The moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake

Strong wind destroy our home
Many dead, tonight it could be you

As I sat there, watching you breathing from the tube in the wall, the mask covering the lower half of your face, put there by the things in my shirt pocket, I couldn’t help but think of those times when, as a child, you were there for me. I can remember waking up in the early morning and sitting on the bathroom floor, so hard, so cold, sitting in front of the little heater, watching you get ready for your day. Your face shining with the cream you used to clean your face and wake you up. I can remember your soft hands when you would hug me, rubbing my back so gentle, so loving. Your tender caress, the unspoken words of love from mother to child.

Your voice was muffled by the mask, speech made garbled when they took your tongue. Your eyes shone so brightly up at me through the pain, the small smile under the plastic….I had to swallow hard and look away when you had to close your eyes because of the hurting. Drab yellow chairs, mute blank walls…what do they know of the love between a mother and son?

The hissing of the oxygen, the occasional beep of the machines that were tied to you, letting the doctors and nurses know within a moment if anything changed, but not telling them how bad you hurt inside, the hell you’re living with right now. Your hands are still soft, so soft and now weakened as I hold your hand in mine. When you came to again, we spoke of little things, inconsequential, things that didn’t matter that much, but every word was ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m so sorry’.

I have never felt as powerless as I do now, sitting, watching you hooked to all of that machinery, never looking so small and frail, unlike the woman that could always rise up and slay dragons, the woman who was a beautiful queen in my eyes, eyes of a child…you persist in pain, but you look somehow diminished, lessened with the tubes and wires, more hardware plugged to you than the machine I’m working on now, sitting, typing this. Where is the fire that used to drive you? Is it still inside? Banked against the storm, the coals still burning there within you? I pray that is so…I pray that the fire remains.

When you took the grape juice, I knew it was going to hurt…I think you did too. I’ve never seen you hurting that badly. I’m so sorry….I can’t keep saying it, but with every slow tear that squeezed from your eye, I felt it. The shame, the rage, the humiliation…the fire at your own infirmity when you have always been the one that others depended on, leaned on when times were hard. You asked me why, why, why….why does God want this for you? And I could only give you the true answer in my heart: I don’t know. I have pleaded with God, I have begged and railed, I have no understanding, no power to do a thing but sit, hold your hand and smile when inside my heart is breaking. I love you so much Momma….I can’t stop thinking, can’t stop myself from thinking about the pain that you’re in, and that I would trade places with you in an instant if I could, just to spare you the pain you’re going through, the hell your existence has turned into through no control of your own. If I could lift you up out of that bed and take your place, I would….dear God, I would. I pray that God’s will be done in whatever he has planned for you…I pray that you are healed of the pain…I pray that the fire has not gone out of you. And one day, when you are well, we will sit on the dock, and we’ll share a sandwich, split diagonally because you know that’s my favourite way. And we’ll talk, talk about things that make us happy, and Every word will be “I Love you” and “Thank you for coming back to us”.

We are homeless, homeless
Moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake…

Okay, so I was instructed to post something on my blog…because…well, it’s otherwise boring as shit coming over here and seeing that nothing’s been posted. Evar. So, here’s something.

A lot of stuff in this one if I don’t get too bored with typing it all out and just junk it.

To Moonie and Obi – Congratulations! I know that this is a big thing for both of you guys and I hope you both every happiness and richness in your marriage. I can’t think of two people more suited for each other than you guys that aren’t already hitched up so this makes me happy, and makes the world sing Hell, moonie probably doesn’t even check my blog anymore, but that’s okay, I don’t mind.

All my friends are going to be there to watch you commit to each other on your special day and I can’t because, well, I’m stuck here in the shithole south. That’s okay, I’ve sent spies and I expect to get a full report back when they return. Besides I bet Montreal is all nice and beautiful this time of year with pleasant temperatures, flowers blooming and Canadians dancing in the streets saying shit like ‘C’est la vie, nespa?’…I mean, really…who needs that much happiness and joy in their life. And moderate temperatures. Nah, I’ll just stay down here where it feels like the sun is going to boil off your brain inside your skull every time you step out the front door. That’s my kind of hell.

On a side note, Ergo, Rae, if you get together up there and have too much fun without me, I’m gonna be pissed!! Actually, I probably won’t but eh, gotta keep up appearances. I hope you guys have a great time and a good /safe/ drive. BTW, you can tell Deli that if she screws up and kills you all in a wreck, I’m gonna hunt her down and piss on her grave. Cause that’s just the kind of mean-ass that I am.

On other fronts, the quarter is aaaaaalmost over. One more test in my network+ class and two more tests (a chapter and a final) in my infrastructure class. I’m supposed to be in my infrastructure class while Agent Smith does the chapter review right this minute in fact, but I’m not feeling at all well, and I figured it was either go to class and miss work, or miss class and make some money tonight. So…with my truck payment looming….I decided to go to work tonight instead. Life is aaaaall about those tough choices.

Speaking of my network+ class we took our simulation Network+ exam last night in class…something like 55 questions and I was done in about 10 minutes with it. Actualy passed it too. Made an 88 – my lowest score this quarter – but I went into the test cold just to see what it was gonna be like. I don’t ‘officially’ have to take the last chapter test now, but I think I’m going to anyways, just cause I want to. I’ve managed to make a 100 on every other test in that class except one that I made like a 98 on. So hopefully I’ll pas the class and my project won’t suck. Speaking of my project, I turned it in for the first draft and got an 89 on it when he handed it back, so hopefully with the corrections that I made, I’ll get an A on it. If enough people bug me about it, I’ll recompile it all into one big PDF file and post it as a link up here for folks to dl and take a look at. It’s quite boring I assure you. Anyways, I’m sort of glad that the class isn’t a popularity contest because…well…I hate to say it, but I was the only one that passed the big comprehensive Network+ sim exam last night. I think the other people in the class were ready to rip my arms off and beat me to death with them…but I fought them off and remained king of the mountain! MUAHAHAHA!!

My infrastructure class is going well also, I made a high 90’s on my first test and a 100 on my other two tests in there, so with any luck I’ll ace the next chapter test and the final – which is practical. I’m not really worried about the practical because it’s just instaling server 2003, installing and configureing DHCP and DNS on there and all that kind of good stuff. Easy stuff really unless Agent Smith decides to throw us a curve ball and do something we’re unprepared for. You can tell I’ve made a lot of friends in that class too. Enh. Well, I’m there to get an education and eventually a job, not make friends. So I’m not gonna worry about it.

On the home front I’ve not been feeling well for the past 5 days…woke up saturday with a tender and painful spot under the right side of my jaw and I’ve felt like crap ever since…so I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I should go to the doctor or something. But that would actually entail me taking myself into a doctor’s office and I try to do that as little as possible. It’ll either get better or kill me, so one or the other will be a nice change!

Anyways, I’m kind of running out of steam here…still lots more that I could talk about, but it’s all more boring that the shit I’ve already said, or depressing, and I don’t feel like depressing my readers today, just boring the ever living hell out of you. So, with that thought in mind, I’m gonna sign off the blogosphere for now and go see what’s shakin’ on other fronts. Live long and prosper. Or eat shit and die….always get those two mixed up.

J