Something Swift this way comes…

To those of you that are christian: Happy All Hallow’s Eve! May the saints watch out for you and protect you and your family on this night and the rest of the year.

To those of you that are Pagan: Happy Samhain, may the spirits of your ancestors smile down upon you and your family for this night and until your new year begins.

To those of you that checked the box marked ‘Other’: May you get lots of candy, no bellyaches, and be safe for the rest of the year!

More later,

S

I am currently suffering from a medium grade cold, transfered to my via my wife, from some generous child that she teaches. Wasn’t that wonderful of them? I’ve noticed a tendency when I’m sick, which fortunately isn’t that often (usually only once a year), that time becomes extremely elastic, stretching and pulling like a wad of silly putty slowly pulled apart by grasping hands. Difficulty focusing my eyes, internal heat levels rising, and a disjointed, surreal flow of thoughts categorize my illnesses.

I remember several years ago, the most ill I have ever been, a scorching case of the flu…I lay in bed for 7 solid days, only leaving the bed to get up and go to the bathroom. I only made it into the kitchen once, which is only 15 feet away from our bedroom, and only then because my wife lay ill beside me, too sick to move. That little forray into the kitchen took me 20 minutes…6 to get there and 6 to get back, and the remaining 8 minutes resting in between trips. Influenza is as deadly now as it was 100 years ago.

This illness feels like the remainder of that illness, the fading of the flu, where I was so weak that I could only barely get to my front door and collapse onto the top step to sit outside in the cold sunlight for a while to smoke a cigarette and being out of the germ laden house for a little while. I could do nothing but turn my exhausted face up into the sunlight and pray for either wellness or death. This time, as then, I despise illness, weakness. It brings out the worst in me, the needy, clingy, weak person that I despise inside of me, and this time, as then, I can only wish for either health or release. The time is the worst of it. Sitting there, spaced completely and feeling like you’ve spent months doing one activity and you realize after checking a clock, it’s only been about 25 minutes. I hate this feeling and am glad that I only have to suffer it once or twice a year. I pray that it leaves me quickly and that it doesn’t return, and that it will take the delusional stream of surreal thoughts with it. I hate not being in control of my own thoughts.

More Later,

S

1. Tell me something obvious about yourself.

I’m Fat.

2. Tell me something about yourself that I don’t know.

I absolutely despise talking about myself.

3. What is your biggest fear?

Chainsaws.

4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?

Shortcut.

5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can’t buy with money?

Freedom.

6. What is your most treasured possession?

My computer.

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?

See Number 1

8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don’t know.

I’ve got an absolutely fantastic ass.

9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.

I’m hetero

10. What is your favorite lie to tell?

Yeah, sure, come on over, I don’t mind.

11. Name something you have done once that you can’t wait to do again.

Weekend in the Blueridge Mountains with my wife.

12. Are you the jealous type?

Sometimes

13. What is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?

My parents

14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?

Listen when I’m down, be a shoulder for me to lean on.

15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?

Pack up all my shit and leave Valdosta, head north.

16. When was the last time you cried?

Couple of weeks ago.

17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?

My honeymoon.

18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?

no

19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.

puked on both my best friends shoes

20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it

You’ve already answered it.

Okay, I don’t normally do these List things, and this is likely the last one I’ll do (check #2 if you’re wondering why). But this was on a friend’s blog, and I felt like it would be okay to post it. Not only that another friend said they wanted to see my answers. So here they are. Enjoy it while it lasts.

More later,

S

So I’m in school. It is actually going quite well. Making good grades in all my classes, doing the homework and making excellent grades on my tests. Now all I need to do is find a job. I find that it is not cheap to go to school, and I don’t mean the actual tuition costs or book prices (though those aren’t cheap either), but the bills that pile up while you’re attending class full time and not working. Things that you have to do without, like food, or gas for your car. You know, small things.

In all, I find that I am more focussed on the work, but it is much harder to go to school after you’ve been out of it a while, not because of the work you have to do, but because you’re not getting paid for the work you’re doing. So, soon the job hunt begins. My first goal is to find a job that I can do after school. This will mean a part time job, and one that will let me work in the afternoons and early evenings, hopefully not on the weekends, simply because that’s the only time I”ll have to sleep in and spend with my wife – something I am loathe to give up. We’ll see how it all works out.

In all, I am enjoying my classes for the most part. Operating Systems Concepts (the class that covers the software portion of the A+ certification test) was mostly review of stuff I already knew for the first two weeks. It has started filling in some gaps and expanding my knowledge and I am enjoying it greatly. This week we’ve started on DOS commands, which is interesting, and for a geek like me, actually fun. I find myself getting exasperated at the other students that are slower or that the teacher has to explain a concept over and over for. I know, we’ve all got to start somewhere, and that’s fine, but man, it was much easier when teaching myself things. There is a lot to be said for learning at your own pace.

My other ‘in class’ (on campus) class is Psy 153 – Student Success. This is like a low grade psychology class focussed on study habits, furthering yourself, and understanding your methods of learning and studying. This is a breeze class. For those of you that don’t know, I’ve got most of my core out of the way and this is one of two core classes that I’ll have to take this time around. Last time (Music Education at Valdosta State University) I took several Psych. classes, but this is one of those unavoidable classes. Doesn’t really bother me that much though, as I’ve already done all the ‘Out of Class’ work for the course and turned it in. This includes my journals, time management project, and whatnot. Fortunately there wasn’t a heap of work to have to do because the class only meets twice a week and the teacher is pretty well laid back.

My online course (computer concepts, sort of like a computers 102 course) is going well also, though the structure of it is a little more freeform and hipshot, almost like learning at my own pace again (which surprised me). The teacher there is pretty interesting and has had some hard times in her life, so she’s more laid back than most college professors, which makes for an interesting class. The material itself is covering mostly ground that I already know, some that I’ve taught myself, some that I’ve picked up from other techies, and some that is just plain common sense. Courses like that are enjoyable, because while it’s putting names to stuff I already know, and filling in some gaps, I’m not having to invest a huge amount of time in doing busywork for the teacher.

When it’s all said and done, I’m glad I’ve started school again. I was afraid at first that I wouldn’t be able to hack it, and while that’s still a possibility, I think I’ve got a better handle on what my priorities are this time around than I did the first time I attempted post-secondary education. No one knows what the future holds, and though the bills are piling up and we haven’t had a decent meal in a month, I think if I can find a good little part time job that pays pretty well to help cover some of the bills, I will be right where I’m supposed to be. It’s a good feeling.

More Later,

S

Found this linked on a friend’s Live Journal (thanks Ace!) and took it. Damn thing is pretty spookily accurate.

The website is: http://www.handwritingwizard.com/index.phtml
Give it a glance if you’ve got a little time.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer’s attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Swift has left lots of white space on the all four borders of the paper. Swift fills up just the center area of the page. If this is true, then Swift has a particular shyness toward people and a fear of moving too fast in any direction. In some cultures, respecting people, rules, and adhering to protocol are ways of life. The right side of the page represents the future and the left side represents the past. Swift seems a bit stuck in the middle, afraid to take action. Swift seems to have a fear of looking bad or of crossing boundries. It will be easy to work with Swift on a team, because Swift will usually follow the rules. However, this desire to respect the boundries can often be construed as a lack of confidence and people will walk over Swift if he is not careful.
Swift has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

One way Swift punishes hisself is self directed sarcasm. He is a very sarcastic person. Often this sarcasm and “sharp tongued” behavior is directed at hisself.
Swift’s true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Swift that he wasn’t a great and beautiful person, and he believed them. Swift also has a fear that he might fail if he takes large risks. Therefore he resists setting his goals too high, risking failure. He doesn’t have the internal confidence that frees him to take risks and chance failure. Swift is capable of accomplishing much more than he is presently achieving. All this relates to his self-esteem. Swift’s self-concept is artificially low. Swift will stay in a bad situation much too long… why? Because he is afraid that if he makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Swift to plan too far into the future. He kind of takes things on a day to day basis. He may tell you his dreams but he is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud he speaks, look at his actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Swift is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.
In reference to Swift’s mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Swift slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Swift can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
Diplomacy is one of Swift’s best attributes. He has the ability to say what others want to hear. He can have tact with others. He has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. Swift can disagree without being disagreeable.
Swift will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don’t really want his opinion, don’t ask for it!
Swift is sensitive to criticism about his ideas and philosophies. He will sometimes worry what people will think if he tells them what he believes in. This doesn’t mean he won’t talk, or that he feels ashamed. It merely means he is sensitive to what others think, regarding his beliefs.
Swift is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put hisself into the other person’s shoes. Swift will be somewhat moody, with lows and highs. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Swift an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too “far out.” He doesn’t sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts hisself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Swift is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Swift is a “middle-of-the-roader,” politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn’t relate to any far out ideas and usually won’t go to the extreme on any issue.
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Swift doesn’t write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others. Read more about his emotional expressiveness in the section on emotions and slant.

More later,

S

Just Wait
Words & Music by J. Popper

If ever you are feeling like you’re tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I’ve given up on you you’re crazy
And if you think I don’t love you well then you’re just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There’s no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

More later,

S

You’ll note a new link in my list of links over on the left. It is My music page, the place where I’ve decided to store my music files that I create for my friends and folks who read my blog to download and listen to as they ‘wish. Be warned, most of the music sucks, but that’s okay, it’s something that I enjoy doing. So, if you’re reading this, you’re welcome to go there and check it out, and let me know what you think in the comments. I’ll occasionally add more files to it as I make the music, so check back there every so often.

I also want to say thanks to Steve-o for lending me some space to put my files. He’s a hell of a guy, isn’t he? Three cheers for…..ah fuck it, you guys know he’s pretty cool, cheer for him on your own time, not mine. Anyways, Thanks Steve-o, it’s much appreciated.

More Later,

S

Who is my role model? Without a doubt I would have to say that my role model is my father, James R. Crosby. He is not a famous man, or even a highly educated man by scholastic standards. However he does have something that most other �role models� that I know of don�t have, or don�t exhibit often. He is a man of thought, of quick wit, and positive actions. Many times in his life he has had to choose between things that he wants and the things that he knows are better for his family, friends, and community. Sacrifice is never easy, and continual sacrifice is not something that most people do, simply because we now live in a world where the mindset of �If you want it, then you can have it if you work hard enough for it.� On one hand that doesn�t seem to be such a bad idea, it evokes thoughts of hard work as well as achieving goals. However it discounts the idea that just because you can do something, it doesn�t mean you should do it. My father is a man who understands this and knows that sometimes it�s better to sacrifice your desires for the good of those around you.

He is also a man who perseveres through adversity. Many times in his life, he has been dealt harsh circumstances and every time he doesn�t get angry with his situation, he doesn�t take it out on others around him; instead he looks at whatever problem he has been confronted with and deals with it as well and appropriately as he knows how. He understands that railing at a situation won�t change it, only thorough thought, and positive action will resolve an adverse situation. The example that stands out in my mind the most is the time leading up to a medical procedure in which he had a liver transplant.

For many years my mother and father owned their own business, and they both worked harder than anyone I�ve ever seen to profit the place. By no means were they ever rich, but there was a time when they were what is considered �comfortable�. If they ever needed something, there was always a little extra money to be had so that they could provide for that need. The day to day issues were seldom large and often times bearable. Then in the early 90�s my father became ill. He had several health issues that he ended up hospitalized for over that decade and the doctors finally realized that his hepatitis which had been in remission for years had come out of remission and was actively destroying his liver in the late 90�s. All throughout this my father serenely dealt with each bit of bad news as it come along, helping my mother, brother, and sister through each diagnosis, each more dire than the last. He dealt with these things with an inner strength that is amazing and brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. Finally the doctors told my father that he had at the most 2 years left to live. The family, needless to say, was crushed at this news. My father took it in stride and said simply �What will be will be. We can enjoy our time together right now and if that�s all I�m supposed to have with you, then we�ll make the best of it.� Two years after that he was still alive, though not healthy. Various tests and doctors performing those tests showed nothing positive on the horizon, and by this point my father had been bedridden for over a year and a half, and on the transplant waiting list for that entire time.

One of the physicians that he went to told him, �James, you�ve been on the waiting list longer than any other patient in history. You�re not going to get a liver transplant.�. Dad simply smiled at him and said again, �What will be, will be.� Six months later I was talking to my mother one night, and she was in tears. The worry over the situation and my father�s rapid decline in health was taking its toll on everyone, but she was especially worn down because she was in a position of having to work to provide for both of them, as well as trying to take care of him as much as possible with the aid of a nurse that would come in for a couple of hours a week and assist. She told me that night that dad had given up. He�d been in pain for 2 years, unable to take care of himself and feeling that he was a terrible burden on my mother. He had decided that when the time came for him to go, he was ready to with thankfulness. I can honestly say that that is the first and only time I have ever seen my father give up on something, and something so important. He is usually more tenacious with anyone that I know, succeeding to some degree or other with everything that he sets his hand to. To see him give up like that made me realize what an outstanding man he was and that he had decided that the best way to deal with the situation was to let whatever happened happen. Several months later my parents received a phone call in the middle of the night, informing them that they had a liver waiting for my father and for them to get down to Gainesville as fast as they could.

It�s almost half a decade later now, and my father is retired. He�s still not in the best of health, but he was able to get out of bed about a week and a half after the transplant and walk around. He hasn�t slept in one day since and spends as little time in that bed as possible; instead he gets up every morning at 6:30am and gets ready for his day, drinking coffee with his cronies and then tinkering on whatever little odd jobs he�s picked up for his little sideline business, or working around the property, doing small things that need to be done. My father is the person I admire most and try to pattern my life after, knowing that perseverance, serenity, hard work, thoughtfulness, and consideration are the ideals that he has, the things he tries to live every day instead of just letting them lie, dusty, in some ethical textbook on the shelf. When all is said and done, and I am in the ground, I want people to look back on my life and say how much like my father I was.

Okay, to those of you who think that I’ve been lax lately – I haven’t been. I’ve just been so busy that I can barely find the energy to write this tonight. School is…well, let us just say that it’s not what I was expecting. Especially on the other end of the spectrum. I’ve always been one of those students that never had to work too hard to get passing-good grades. However coming out of a long hiatus away from organized education, I find myself more dedicated to the task at hand, more willing to burn my energy up doing every little thing that I can as well as I can do it. It’s not that it’s any harder for me to learn, but this time I think I just don’t want to fail. I hate failing, and it sometimes seems that that’s what I do best. This time I am frustrated with myself for having given up in the past, and for not sticking with it no matter what. On top of that is a determination to do this, to make something of myself so we don’t have to scramble at the end of the month to pay the bills anymore.

Speaking of bills, I need to find a part time job, preferably one that will allow me to study somewhat or have net access while I work so I can do my online classes and such. I know this is probably too high a hope, but I think of trying to work again while I’m in school and it makes me physically ill to think about it. I’ve always worked while I was in school, so the urge is there. I know I can do it, but God, I just think of how exhausted I am right now with only school and homework, and then try to imagine piling work on top of that. Ugh. So anyways, yes, I’ve been thinking about you guys and wanting to post something, but have just been running non-stop from wake to sleep. Not to mention not getting enough sleep. So now you know what’s going on with me.

I also wanted to take a moment to thank Steveo and the rest of his crew for linking to the Jamarathon, it’s especially sobering to think that some of the proceeds from that might go to help finding a way to fight this disease that my wife has. Diabetes can be controlled, but it is a frightening thing, and sometimes people just freeze up when they find out about it, and do nothing, only worsening their condition. Please, if you haven’t visited the site yet, take a minute to do so, and think about helping out in any way that you can – donate money, web space, advertisements, whatever. This is something that’s very important to me right now in my life and I’m trying to do the best that I can with what I’ve got for it.

More later,

S