Something Swift this way comes…

Alright,
There’s an earth around here somewhere…I’m sure of it.

No I haven’t fallen off the face of said earth. I know you’re wondering. Well, I haven’t. I assure you. I’m just going through a hell week at work this week, what with Georgia’s Tax free days (And yes, those bastards extended it to four days now instead of the usual three). So now I have to deal with people who don’t realize that they’re only saving about $50.00 on computers that we were actually discounting a full 10% the week before tax free (Sales tax is only 7% here). Go figure. So anyways, I’m averaging at least 11 hours a day this weekend, which means time for little else except catching up with a few friends online and making sure Winter’s Edge doesn’t implode without me there. Fortunately I’ve got those staffers that are so good that I’ve told you guys about. So anyways, that’s where I’ve been. Now you know. I haven’t died, I haven’t taken another hiatus, I haven’t gotten bored with writing and forgotten about it, I’ve just let work pile me under till I can shovel the shit from a sitting position and work my way back clear again. Perhaps I should ask for a raise? Riiiiiiight, I’ll just keep on dreaming.

I promise I’ll write more later when I’m not so brain-fried that a few mumbled excuses and a glimpse of the future are all that I can muster. Cryptic statement that. I’ll explain a little bit, but not too much. At least you’ll have a reason to come back and read the next entry. Sometime in the near future I want to tell you about the old man. It seems such a small thing when I think about it. It won’t mean much to you I suppose, but it struck a chord within me and I feel I must share it with you…maybe one of the three or four of you will glean something important from it. Or maybe I’m just ringing my own bell, I hope that’s not all it is, because it seems so important in a small way. Maybe the fates will smile and see that whoever needs to read it will happen across it. Maybe not. In either case, i’ll tell you about it soon.

More later,

S

Okay, those of you out there that really know me, know that I deal with bouts of depression. Going through one now. Yadda yadda yadda…Whatever. Just sitting, listening to music, and Phil Collins came on. I took everything else off the playlist but this, and listened to it on replay, over and over. It started me thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. So I decided to write some crappy, prosey poetry incorporating the lyrics. So, those of you that are embarrassed and slightly confused by my unmanly melodramatic depressions, you are hearby excused. You don’t have to read the next part. For those of you that don’t care, or that want to get a little closer, read on. Read on knowing that the little boy inside me cries out for things lost, for things that never were, and for things that never should have happened. For the skeptics out there, don’t read too much into it, after all, it’s just bad poetry, right?

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
It’s coming, it’s coming for you,
it’s coming finally for me It will take you
it will crush you beneath its boot.
You know what you’ve done. You
know that you deserve it you bastard.

I’ve been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord
It has been forever, it has
been an eternity. Feeling
the way, wanting it to come.
To end it. To put a stop to
your endless games.
Your sly smiles without words. The
oily way you preen your hair
when you know someone is looking.
I have been waiting so long for it to be
over. For you to end. For your reign
of tyranny to be over. It’s coming.

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
Yes, can you feel it? I’m sure you can.
That shifty look in your eyes tells me that you know.
You know it’s coming for you. And when it
does, you know what it means. You bastard.

Well, if you told me you were drowning
It would not be the end. It
would be the beginning. The joy
of knowing you were going down
would be just the beginning.
Your death would free so many, would
be nothing but good. Our chains, rusted
shut sprung open, the door to the stone
throat of our cell burst free. Drown. Go down
there with the dead ones.

I would not lend a hand
I would not. You’re with the dead ones
now.
You are the one who brought this
on yourself. You have nothing.
Your money, your clothes, your car,
it is all for nothing. Your deck of despair
to be dealt no more. No help. No quarter.

I’ve seen your face before my friend
I’ve seen you, in there,
pushing your lies. Smearing
the truth to fit your plans.
I know. I know who you are.
I know what you are, and I know
what you are doing. You
can’t hide anymore. I’ve seen your face,
and I know your name.

But I don’t know if you know who I am
I’ve hidden away,
quiet. My solitude causing
your eye to wander past
seeing nothing, sensing
that same nothing. I am the lion
in the tall grass, waiting for it to come.
To come for you.

Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I know your secret. I
alone know what you did.
I know who you’ve hurt.
The lies.
The lies you told.
To those who trusted you.
Someone is keeping a reckoning of your
transgressions, and I know
because it is I. You bastard.

I saw it with my own two eyes
That’s right, I saw your foulness.
I saw what you did, and who you did it to.
You think your secret is safe, that
it will go to the grave.
Well friend, the only thing that’s
going to the grave is you.

So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you’ve been
I am the keeper of knowledge.
I know who you’ve hurt, and I
know where you’ve hurt them.
The heart can’t be mended after
what you did. It can only scar
as it heals. It can only
turn, turn inward on itself,
bile and vitriolous because of what you did.

It’s all been a pack of lies
And now? now your lies are
no more.
As you soon will be.
I refuse to cry the tears for the
lost that you’ve left in your bloodwake.
I refuse to mourn their hearts until you,
you my friend, until you
mourn your transgressions.
Until the pain, hate, and anger
you engender are delivered tenfold
unto your heart, body, mind, and soul.

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
It’s coming, it’s coming for you,
it’s coming finally for me It will take you
it will crush you beneath its boot.
You know what you’ve done. You
know that you deserve it you bastard.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
It has been forever, it has
been an eternity. Feeling
the way, wanting it to come.
To end it. To put a stop to
your endless games.
Your sly smiles without words. The
oily way you preen your hair
when you know someone is looking.
I have been waiting so long for it to be
over. For you to end. For your reign
of tyranny to be over. It’s coming.

I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
Yes, can you feel it? I’m sure you can.
That shifty look in your eyes tells me that you know.
You know it’s coming for you. And when it
does, you know what it means. You bastard.

And I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
God help me,
I don’t want to do this.
I don’t want to have to go
through with this. Take it from
me lord, take it from my hand.
Let someone else…
Please god, let someone else…

Well I remember, I remember don’t worry
And I always will. The smirking lies,
the smoking hurt.
The pain inside. The growth of
hatred, a blood rose
blossoming in her heart.
Yes, I remember. And I always will.

How could I ever forget, it’s the first time, the last time we ever met
Her tears as she was slowly dying inside,
the hurt on her heart,
the pain inside her, knowing
what she knew. The damnation
in her bleak, unthinking eyes
as she realized the hell
she would have to endure for the
rest of her life. You son of a bitch.
She, a pristine, innocent flower,
you a ravening monster. No, I will never forget
I refuse to forget.

But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don’t fool me
The game is almost over now.
That’s right. I’ve never played
your game. I’ve never fallen
to your slimy witticisms,
I’ve never wondered why
you don’t gloat about that
as you do your other conquests.
I know. I know why, and it’s coming. Can you
feel it?

The hurt doesn’t show; but the pain still grows
That’s right. Our hearts are dead.
Because of you. That dosen’t
mean anything now, but it will.
It will.
Remember that when you are lying,
naked and screaming at the end
of your life, begging
for mercy, for light
for life.
You shall not have it.
Inside you that pain will grow.
Prepare thyself.

It’s no stranger to you or me
That pain we know. That
pain still grows. You can’t stop it.
You can’t outrun it.
You can’t hide from it.
It will come for you,
and when it does…

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord…
Can you feel it?
I’m sure you can.
It’s almost here.
And when it comes, it comes
for you.
For her.
For me.
For them.
For You.

More later,

S

I’m currently working on a project that’s teaching me how to use excel a little. If everyone’s wondering where I’ve been the past seven days, well, that’s it. I’ve been busting my ass at work, and then coming home and working on this excel spreadsheet thing. It’s taking me days to figure out what it’d take an Excel guru hours to do. But that’s okay, I’m learning and having a little bit of fun with it (read: when I’m not pulling out all my hair over it).

I’m also thoroughly depressed because a few of my chat friends got to get together up in Canada and have a little party, and I wish I could go. These are the few times that I regret marriage, because of the responsibilities that tie me to the same spot. If I were single, I’d probably be in Canada right now instead of here writing to you guys. Of course, if I were single, I probably wouldn’t even be alive, so there’s something to be said for marriage after all. So anyways, while dealing with depression because I can’t go hang with friends I love, and having to work all the time, I’m just trying to kick back and relax a bit, maybe eek a little joy out of that relaxation and ignore that knowledge that the grind starts again in a little over 12 hours.

You are in a unique position to know how I feel when most other people around me don’t. I say this because I try to never lie to myself about anything, or fool myself into believing something, and since this is somewhat of a personal journal, or diary, if you wish, then I am writing this for myself, not just my readers. Yes Charly, you were right, even if no one read what I had to say, I’d still write it, simply because sometimes we have to bleed ourselves of emotion…we have to get it out, whether it’s wailing at the wall, or beating the punching bag, or writing in your journal, sometimes we have to bleed all the anger, hurt, rage, envy…everything out. So yes, I’m depressed as hell.

I know this is sort of a rambling diatribe at this point, but that’s okay, sometimes those can be interesting to read (unfortunately I fear this is not one of those times, but hey, you take what your muse gives you and run with it). I am depressed. Depressed as hell. My father is in poor health, having just gotten out of the hospital last weekend from having two more stints put into an artery, he gets tired too easily and his diabetes is worriesome, yet he pushes himself, making ends meet as best he can while my mother works herself to death. She’s finally gotten to a place where she’s doing one or two small things for her own enjoyment – something that she hasn’t done in almost 15 years, but she is so full of self doubt, not to mention the fact that she’s over sixty years old and pushing herself too hard at work. That’s right, now you know where I get it from. Steve-o said something the other day after he found out that I called into work sick two days in a row, and I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or a warning to slow down. He called to check on me and told me that I’d worried him because he knew from working at Radioslack with me that I’m either at work, or dead, there is no in between with me. This has weighed a bit on my mind and I realize that I push myself just like my mother does. I see what it’s doing to her, from the stress, and the illnesses she’s suffered, and I worry that it’s going to do that or worse to me.

I also see the fact that I am too overweight, and I have a problem with addictions. I’m currently addicted to Sugary/Caffinated sodas and cigarettes. Most people shrug this off, and say, “So you like soda and smokes, big deal”. With me it has become an obsession. The only thing I drink anymore is soda, and I /have/ to have it to get me going every day. I usually drink about 2 liters or more of soda each day, and I also smoke around a pack to a pack and a half of cigarettes each day. Add this to my weight problem and I’m a heart attack or stroke victim waiting to happen. I make resolutions that I’m going to try and taper off, or stop cold turkey, and the resolutions never work. I don’t think that I’m short on will power…most of the people that know me know that I have good will power and am also exceedingly willfull. If I say I’m going to do something, then come hell or high water, that’s what I’m going to do. Maybe the problem is that I’m just personally lazy, or maybe it’s just that I like those things a little too much. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have a problem with addictions, and I don’t know what to do about it. This depresses me.

Another thing that depresses me is knowing that I am going to have to make a choice this fall. I need have to go back to school and work on my degree, and knowing this, I know that i’m going to either have to butt heads with my boss about it, or look for another job. He hates having students work for him because he feels that his employees should work whenever he wants them too, no matter what they have going on in their lives or families. So the impending decision is weighing heavily in my mind. I love my job, I love what I do, but it’s just not paying all the bills. If I have to find another job, I know I’ll likely end up having to take a pay cut, because few people want to hire a fat, degreeless hippy to work for them, no matter how smart he is. I don’t know what I’m going to do, and that not knowing makes me anxious. So, anyone that’s looking to hire a fat hippy that knows a little bit about a lot of things, get in touch with me, if you’re in the Valdosta area and maybe we can work something out.

I’m also depressed because I’m not able to spend time with my friends this weekend. They’ve all gone off and left me. Yes, I know I’ve mentioned this already tonight, but hey, it’s my journal, I can say what the hell I want, right? Right. So anyways, they’re all partying away up there and I’m stuck down here, and that chaps my ass, because I know I would love it up there. The countryside, the new places ot visit, and the people that I don’t ever get to talk to face to face. Shit like this depresses me. That’s right, I’m just an average, everyday person, not some superhuman guy that can do anything, and help everyone. I have fears, I have hopes, and I have hangups too. So now you know.

God I’m depressing tonight. Sorry for boring you so much, I’m sure you probably had something better to do than waste your time reading the ravings of a manic depressive…like clip your toenails or something.

More later,

S

Not much to say tonight before I go to bed. I think I may be coming down with whatever funk has been going around here in south Georgia, but God I hope not. I ended up coming home from work early today because of the cruddy funk that I woke up with. It’s like looking at myself through a stained, dirty window thirty feet above my head as I creep through the day…that faded, washed out feeling I always get when I’m coming down with something. So, I know my boss is probably not too happy with me, but hopefully he’ll understand that you can only push yourself so hard till you fall dead in the traces. I needed the afternoon anyways, it’s rare to get an unscheduled break from work, so I took the time to enjoy it as much as I could through the faded feeling and sit and do nothing, try to relax, rest, and recoup. I don’t know that the last part worked too well, but the first two have and if needs be, I’ll push myself through the full day o’ fun tomorrow to make up for the lost time at work.

On a sadder note, I’m upset to report that my good friend Niki from work clocked out her final hours today at 5 EST. She and her husband have decided to move about 3 hours away and make a go of graduate school, and while I’m glad to see that they’ve decided to go on and better themselves, and hopefully end up not stuck in a low paying job forever, it still hurts to see her go. She’s one of the few people I can connect with in RL, and has become like the little sister I never had. She’s just like me too: hippy to the core, and just as evil *laughs*. I know that she’s not going to be that far away, and that they’ll come home for visits frequently, but sometimes it just feels like all my friends are up and leaving me here in Valdosta and going on to bigger and better things and never looking back. Hell, for the most part it’s true, but I won’t say that to their faces. I know that they are making their respective ways in the world, and all of them will amount to something wonderful. Whereas I’ll be stuck in Valdosta, dead end jobs and too many bills the only thing to look forward to. I tell ya, sometimes it’s easy to understand why some of my peers eat a bullet or take a powder. Sometimes the whole outlook on things is so depressing that it hurts too much to keep pushing through. That’s alright though, I know that I have talents and abilities that I can use to climb up out of the hole I’ve dug for myself if only I can scrape up enough money to get through school, and apply them. I just hope I don’t have to cut my hair, which is another completely different topic. Maybe that’s what I’ll write about tomorrow.

Anyways,
More Later,
S

Life is a parabola.

We start at the beginning, small, low, content with our place,
feeling our feelings, learning our limits, and happy to take food when given,
accept shelter that is there, and sleep the sleep of the innocent.

As we progress through our life, growing, learning, doing more and more,
we begin to rise, our passion, our fury, we rise up to the horizon, coming up into materialism,
worship of things around us, pride, and often-times, greed.
We arc and burn so brightly, our life energies pouring into the day to day,
forgetting the simple things in life:

Eat when provided,
enjoy the shelter given to you,
and sleeping the sleep of the innocent. We

forget all of that, we burn our emotions, we burn our passions, we burn our bridges,
we burn it all down, reaching up to the infinite sky,
feeling our way ever onward and fueling our way with a desire for things.
We crush those around us, we ignore the pleas for help,
we ignore the feelings of the young and old alike at the top of our arc,
we burn it all off in our rise to untouchable glory.

After our arc to the limitless heavens crests,
we begin descent back to the earth, all of our things are stripped away,
sometimes one by one,
sometimes in great whacks here and there,
and sometimes all at once.

We are stripped down from our materialistic shell,
pride, deceit, greed, envy, lust, anger, rage, pain, hatred, mistrust,
all of it is stripped away.

Burning off our shells and seeping down into the inside,
the heat from our reentry to the physical, tactile world burns away all that is chaff,
all that is dross, every bit of our life that is beyond the scope of the simple things:

Eat,
Shelter,
Sleep,
be thankful.

Until we are back to the place where we started, only a little farther along the line,
watching the youth around us, jet into the sky of dreams and hopes,
leaving a contrail of hurt feelings, of lost memories,
of friends forgotten and goals unreached, the plummage of pride, the step before the fall.

We return finally to the earth that bore us and
the God that gave us to eat, to shelter, and to sleep, and if we are lucky,
we are thankful.

Be yours Deep and narrow,
A Trail quick, deadly, and ultimately fatal,

or

Be yours Shallow and wide,
Filled with friends and memories, long and peaceful,

Life is a parabola.

Spending all day at work, dealing with retarded customers and stupid problems on their computers wears you down. Having a boss that never shows up on time for work /also/ wears you down. Thus, after a lively 10 hours of being at work the thing I want to do most is come home, flop down in my chair, and vegetate in front of my monitor with the lovely glow of the internet lighting my face like a pallid cancer victim. The last thing I want to do is rush through a meal, catch the first part of a really good Jackie Chan flick and then have to get up and go back out into the insanity that is the teeming ‘Public’. And I use that term loosely. Teeming, they are. Public? Most of these inbred monkeyfuckers act the same in public as they do at home where their naked, unwashed children grub in the dirt half the day for worms and bugs like poor chickens feeding on whatever detritus they can find. The parents sit, dressed in age and vomit stained wife beaters and chinos more than likely ripped at the crotch, cracked and flapping shor’ boots. These are the commoners of the day, they take their weird little environmental sludge pit everywhere that they go.

In fact, these mongs remind me of that unfortunate Peanuts character, Pigpen. They take their atmosphere of poverty, of wife beating, of child slapping, of beer swilling, belching the old school alma mater, and farting into the non-existant chair cushion on the rickety old porch swing. These are the people that sit in those fabled ‘Cheap Seats.’ These folk are america and we smear ourselves with their presence. These folk are the ones that the lawyers argue in court for, these are the ones that our soldiers die for in some foreign land they can barely pronounce the name of. These are the people that our forefathers created this country for, bled for, and left their kin, their friends and everything they knew behind just for a chance at a better life. These poor unwashed masses are those who Lady Liberty reaches out to, greets with open arms and flaming torch. These people are the ones that the politicians backbite and lie for, these are the ones who, in their inbread sense of self-superiority demand that they have just as much of a right to do whatever in hell they please whenever they please, and should your rights get in the way of theirs, they’ll happily push your rights into the mud and shit on them, leaving them badly used and broken under the geas of free will, and freedom of speech. Yes, these unwitting ignorant pieces of humanity are the ones that this country bleeds for every single day.

So, when you’re out in “public” with your wife and her three little sisters after a long day at work, and nothing but the desire to be at home with a cold soda and some good music, and these idiots happily squeal tires next to you, who blast their music as loud as they can so that they’ll be noticed, who sit on the median across the street and let their child scream monotonously till the sound just blends in with the background noise of traffic and whooping rednecks liquoring up for another night of incestuous relations, please remember that these are the ones that your country bleeds for, and dies for every day. These are the ones that every soldier who has ever given his life in defense of his or her country, these are those they died for, so that they could disrespect those around them, and do it freely, without threat of reproach, or even one single person asking them to politely stop doing whatever assinine behaviour it is they are doing. These are your people, your country, your creed.

Oh, and the Fireworks were beautiful too.

More later,

S