Something Swift this way comes…

Turned around and realized that it was almost the end of March. Where the hell has my month gone! Jesus H. Christ! They’re not making this stuff for free ya know! Time is expensive and if I keep losing track of it like I have been, I’m apt to find myself extremely short of it extremely quickly. It’s been such an arduous month that I thought it’d just have to last forever. An infinity of March. Eons of the first few days of spring. But no, it’s drawing to a close, and April is quickly on its way. Almost a relief…almost.

Those of you that know me know I dislike loathe hot weather, and with the advent of another April, that means that hot weather is just around the corner. I already miss winter. I really do wish I lived in a clime that allowed for even the remote possibility of snow maybe once or twice a year. But no, no snow. Ever. You’d think I was used to it by now – 27 years of no snow is long enough to get used to it, definitely. But I find myself dreaming, on those interminably hot days when I’m stuck in traffic listening to some hectoring car advertisement on the radio, dreaming of long cool slopes of white powdered fields, virgin but for the few tracks of small animals wandering from one copse of trees to the next. Of a majestic buck standing in this dawnlit scene proudly surveying all that is his. I long for that stark winter air and the stripped, skeletal branches of the oak trees lunging into the sky while the smaller firs beneath them sit huddled in their white and green mantles. This is the scene I often come back to when the temperature is a staggering 105 degrees in the shade and sweat pops immediately out of every pore of your body when you step out of your airconditioned home or workplace and the heat innundates you.

But it does no good for me to dwell on the things that are not, I suppose. Not that I’m going to lower myself to dwelling on the things that are either. What can I change by worrying about something? The weather isn’t going to change to my liking just because I find the current trend toward heat annoying. So I’ll look to other things to think on. Perhaps something worthwhile? Mayhap.

I find my mind turning to a friend and to their current calamity. I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I try not to give anyone any advice, whether it has been solicited of me or not, because often enough, any advice I might give to most people is often ignored at best, or perverted, twisted and confounded by the person receiving it at worst. And then they try to pawn their problem off as my fault, and while I empathize with them, it’s not my fault they fucked it up. So I find myself in a sticky predicament. On the one hand my friend is on the verge of a breakdown, be it however small or large, with a decision that must be made, and I find myself wishing I could counsel them on this, because I know how tough such decisions are, but moreso I know how tough they are to live with once they’ve been made. On the other hand, I don’t want to advise them on something and then they take such advice and do with it what they will and it end up hurting them more in the longrun. I don’t know what to do. If I could sit them down and talk to them about it, I’d say: Go or stay? I just don’t know. I know that you have to do what is right for you and those that will be affected by your decision, but I can’t tell you which is the best way to proceed. If you go, you know it will destroy a little part of you, and even more importantly it’ll destroy a lot of those that are left behind. If you stay then that will kill even more of you, because you can’t make a bad situation work, and it’ll end up costing you your freedom and your passion for life, so you have to choose, not the lady or the tiger this time, but what type of hell you want to go through. It’s not a pretty choice to make, but regardless of your decision, know that I and all of your other friends are there for you.

I guess I’m hoping that this person will read this and know that I’m actually talking about them/to them. I guess that’s me shirking my responsibility as a friend, but I can’t help it. They haven’t come to me for advice, but I see the pain they’re in and want to help, so maybe they’ll see this and realize that there are people out here that care. So yes, I admit it. Even though I put up a gruff exterior that says “I don’t give a shit about anything or anyone”, I actually do care about my friends and family. Well, most of my family. But yeah, I do care about them and wish I could ease their burdens, even as mine weights so crushingly on my own shoulders because I’m too stubborn to give up the shouldering of them. What a fucked up person, right? Ah well, some of you sickos must like seeing the self-flagellating monkey, else you’d be off doing something important like filing your toenails instead of sitting here wasting time by reading my long and rambling rants. Sick twists.

More Later

S

Okay, it’s been a hella long week, and I have barely had time to plant my ass in this chair to write anything to anyone. RL just took a great big fat dump on everything I’ve been doing online, so it’s kinda left you guys and everyone else on the net out of my loop for a while, not that anyone’s actually missed me or anything.

I’m not going to go into too much detail about my week as it’s late and I’m tired, I just wanted to let everyone know that I was still alive, especially since I logged into my messenger program and one of my very good friends said “You Live”. Yeah, I’m alive, and I know I suck for not talking to everyone. My feelings of guilt are only outstripped by my current plateu of exhaustion, so those one or two masochists out there that like to read about my shitty adventures in day to day life are just going to have to suffer. You like suffering anyways ya sick twists! You know who you are! *laughs*

Let’s just let it suffice to say that I’ve had an extremely long week (or so) and that it’s not getting any shorter, but that’s okay, I’m getting shit done that needs to be done and hopefully it’ll slack off a bit more as time goes on and I’ll be able to continue to regale (and bore) the seven or eight of you with my misadventures. Oh, also, Rae, if you’re reading this, email me the address of your page and I’ll link it so you can usurp my readers . Besides I’d like to see what you have to say, if you don’t mind sharing with the rest of the world.

Anyways, I’ll be on more later and will be able to go into more details as events unfold.

More later,

S

Those of you that know me well know that I often go to my parents’ house on my days off and help my dad work in his fields, plowing, harrowing, planting, and whatnot. A lot of people look at me really funny or ask why I spend my days off doing that, and all I tell them is: Dad can’t do it himself, so I do it. What I don’t tell them are the words that would make them think I was being silly, or nostalgic, or just outright weird.

I love working with my father on his tractor, or fixing a piece of equipment, or prepping and planting the fields for him because I didn’t get to spend much time with him during my childhood, and the times that we did spend together, we spent working in the field, or out at the barn fixing something. These are the times that I remember best with him. Being able to go out and help him now, as a man, as an equal, as someone who can sit and take a breather and talk about how the crops are going to come, or how we should best plant the watermellons to get the best harvest out of them as possible. Or to sit and discuss with him the issues of the day, the politics, the weather, my marriage, his marriage, whatever happens to come up, when it’s all just one thing after all: It’s me being able to be 10 again and sit near him as he worked and say “Daddy, I love you,” and him to look around, one faded blue eye squinted shut against the sunshine and say, “I love you too son.”.

These things are not important to most. They do not matter in the weight of the world events, and people forget that we won’t always be here. We won’t always be able to touch those around us and let them know how much they touch our hearts, or how much they mean to us. I’m not reclaiming my childhood, though some of you could claim that I am, and I wouldn’t disagree with you. No, what I’m doing is much simpler. I’m claiming my adulthood, and enjoying him while he’s still here, and able to go out and sit with me while we work on the harrow, or fix the planters, or ride down the road talking about old fishing holes we know, or daydreaming about new ones we haven’t yet found. And while we’re riding, or daydreaming, or fixing, I know that in my heart these are my father’s sunset years and while I have him I’m going to enjoy him, even if I have to give up something as simple as a day off and a little bit of rest time to do it.

Dad, I love you.

More later,

S

Had a cookout tonight to celebrate our 6th anniversary, most of the people from work came out and we cooked hamburgers, ribs, and sausages on the grill. It was a smashing success and everyone had a fantastic time of it. It’s good to know that there are more of my kind out here in south Georgia. Geeks are rare and wonderful things and ofttimes lonely in small places like Valdosta. And of course we talked about all things geek from explaining MUSH to my boss to how to put a stripped down linux kernal on an old playstation gaming console. It was fucking fantastic! I know some of you are sitting there chuckling, shaking your heads, but hey, it’s what I like, so I had a great time. Angie was in perfect form tonight, and I find myself thinking she’s often at her best when she’s entertaining, bringing happiness to others, and feeding a big crowd. She was beautiful tonight. A poem in motion. I find myself loving her more and more as the years go by, and at the beginning of things I never would have thought that possible. She’s such a wonderful woman and I’m lucky to have her.

I will tell you though, there is something surreal about cooking for, and serving a grilled hamburger to one of the richest men in the state of Georgia. Something supremely weird and out of place watching him eat it from a paper plate and drink a canned coke sitting on my old ratty red couch in my shitty little mobile home (That’s right Jeff, I am trailer trash, and proud of it! *laughs*). But it’s kind of neat too.

So, happy anniversary to me and my wife, and my hope is that everyone may one day have something like what we have. We may be poor. We may be so far in debt that we might never be able to work our way out. But that’s okay, as long as we have each other to cling to through the dark times, the cold times, the hungry times, then we will be able to make it. I know it in my heart. Angie, I love you so much, don’t ever forget that.

More later,

S

Time for another post. It’s a little after 11pm and most of you are probably nestled down in bed with the TV, or a good book, or whatever your vice of choice is, tending toward sleep. Good for you guys. I just got through installing a CD player in my truck and it works wonderfully. Those of you who know me in life know that I can’t exist without my music, and not having a good radio in my truck was killing me. Now after 3 years, I finally got a stereo and speakers to put in the thing, thanks to Steve-o. He gives the best late late christmas/birthday/whatever presents . It took us all evening to get everything done, but we finally did. Leroy and I finally actually got started on the thing at 5pm this evening after running around all day taking care of errands and picking up the stuff we knew we’d need for the stereo installation. It took us approximately 6 hours to do everything from taking out the old stereo to installing the new one, building boxes for the speakers and figuring out why the fucking antannae wouldn’t go into the back of the new one. Well, come to find out Walmart dosen’t carry real car stereo antannae anymore. Nope. They do carry an “Universal” adapter though that looks like two octopi stuffed into plasticwrap. Don’t ask. So anyways, we got it all installed and now I’m feeling the feeling of afterglow. You know that post-coital feeling you get whenever you’ve spent the day doing something and everything works out like you want it and you’re actually doing something for yourself, not for someone in a suit and tie pushing your future around like chessmen. So now? I’m happy. See, it’s something simple like that to totally swing my mood completely around and make it all worth doing. God was listening, Thank You!

I must say that I never would’ve gotten the thing installed if it hadn’t been for Leroy. He knows car audio. Anything else I can pretty much do, but automobiles are, unfortunately, beyond me, and I fear that they always will be. It’s good to know people who know things! I know how other people who don’t know how computers work, or how to fix a light socket, or whatever feel, and it’s a bewildering, frustrating feeling. But it’s good to have someone there to show you what to do and how to do it. Thanks Leroy.

Now all I have to do is find all my cd’s, or buy blanks to make some compilations for myself. Heh.

More Later,

S

An Average Schmuck is Matt’s blog, he’s a guy that used to work with me at Xtreme PC in Valdosta, a good friend of mine and Steve-o’s and a damn good guy all around. Give him some hits and some feedback and let him know if he’s doing right or fuckin’ up!

More later,

S

And my belief about my own life is proven true once again! I went to sleep this morning at 4am, thinking I would get to sleep in. 4 hours later, the phone rings and it is my wife, calling me to tell me that she has broken down and needs me to come take her to school. So I don’t get to sleep in. Long story short, the car overheated, she stopped, called me from a house about half a mile up the road, and I came and got her, took her to school, came back and got my roommate to help me tow the car across town to an automotive repair shop. The head on the car is cracked. That’s right. Build me up just to kick the legs out from under me again, because it’s not funny when I only slam into the pavement of life facefirst one time. Nor twice, or even three times. No, life, satan, God, whoever will only be satisfied after I have been slammed into the pavement repeatedly. On a monthly, or even a weekly basis. No wonder I get depressed. No wonder I feel like it would be worth just ending everything if I didn’t fear hell as a reality and my blasphemous last action enough to send me there. I’m not catholic, I’m baptist, but still, the thought that destroying the first gift God gave me in this world could possibly send me straight screaming and sizzling into the bowels of hell dosen’t seem that ridiculous. So I endure. Maybe that’s the last true miracle? Maybe that is the miracle God has given us all to hold onto in life whether we believe in him or not: The will and ability to endure. Perhaps that’s what impressed him so much about Job. Perhaps in that unfortunate pariah he saw one who made him think, “Yes, I know his heart. I know I can allow satan to fuck him completely from start to finish without killing him, and that one will know what it is to endure. He knows my name, and seeks My will, and will accept what has been allowed to happen.

Well, I’m no Job. I endure, and no matter how mad I get at God for letting the things happen that happen, I know that He does have a plan. What the fuck that plan is? No clue. Look elsewhere. The answers you seek are not within. But I know He’s got a plan. Maybe His plan is just to let me continue to get knocked down to edify someone else. If so, ya-fuckin’-hoo. If that’s the case, then I’ll endure living, loving Him, being mad at Him, and when I do eventually die? I think I’ll go quietly. Or perhaps with some small murmur of gratitude. Dying is easy, living is hard, as I believe some third rate war film said at one point or another. Indubitably cheesy, but undoutably true. And since God knows I can’t ever do anything the fucking easy way, I guess I’ll go on living till I get the final set of legs knocked out from under me. But God? If you’re listening? If you really are up there and know what I’m going through (as you must if you speak true about the smallest bird’s flight), then I just wanted to tell you that though I am mad with you right now and I despise life at this point, that I do love You. I wish I understood You, but I can accept that I never will, and be okay with that. Thanks for the small flowers You’ve given me in the valley, and please help me keep my eyes open for the other flowers that You send my way.

More later,

S

I find myself being the master of the ‘Long Week’. Every week is a long one for me lately. I love my job, but sometimes, like today when it was unbearably slow, I find myself turning inwards at the end of the day, considering myself, my personality, my humanity. Sometimes I think it’s just retarded to sit and look inwards at the yawning abyss on the inside of every human. Other times it seems that’s all I want to do – Sit on the edge of that precipice and lean forward, forward, forward until gravity almost slips from one direction to the other, pulling me from my nestling place into that deep darkness.

Depression runs through the family, can you tell? Those times when I sit there, looking within, seeing everything that’s wrong with me, every bad decision I’ve ever made, every harsh word I’ve ever said, every hurt feeling I’ve ever nursed with a sense of betrayal and loss, I struggle against it, fight it because I don’t like to be depressed. I’m not a good person in the first place, worse when I’m depressed. So I find myself fighting a feeling that has become more and more common as the years go by and I find myself having to struggle harder each passing day. I see that within me is such a capacity for hate, for hurt, a cup of anger, a plethora of rage, and during these times I just don’t give a blue flying fuck.

So it’s not unusual for me to go long periods where I just sit, sit and do absolutely nothing. Sitting, thinking, rotting from the inside out, wondering where I went wrong, why I’m not where I wanted to be when I ‘Grew Up’. There’s not really a point to this particular posting, just a general flow of consciousness, so if you’re looking for the bright light at the end of the story, well, don’t look too hard. I’d hate to waste your time making you wonder what the point was — There isn’t one.

So I’ll continue to struggle, finding enjoyment in whatever small things I may, such as we all find in life. Life isn’t a series of ups and downs. No, it’s one long valley, deep, dark, and winding. A path unto Mordor, perhaps. Some flowers may be found living in that valley, ones that struggle to raise their heads to a light that may have forgotten them, that are beautiful not in spite of their struggle, but because of it. These are the gems in life, the bright spots in a grey and trudging existence.

Or maybe it’s all just melodrama, threatening to flood the dikes with bullshit. Who knows?

More later,
S

I had a pretty good day today. Slept in, got up late, ate a leisurely lunch and dug into Mush for several hours. Some of you who play there know that we’re going through a recode period right now and it’s a little crazy. Okay, it’s really crazy. But that’s okay, the staff that I have feeds off of craziness and works best under a tight deadline with a lot of pressure. Especially Meg. I usually don’t talk about my people here or in RL because the people that they are on the Mush is a lot different than the people they are in RL. I know this even though I’ve never even seen one face to face, nor have I ever spoken to them outside of a text based medium. That’s okay, I know that they are different people there, and that they come to mush as a release, as an escape from what their everyday lives hand them. They get to be the hardass there when in RL they’re quiet, unassuming, and usually overlooked at their regular jobs as just another normal 9-5′er. That’s okay. Because I know them as they really are in their hearts. I’ve never gone too much into how I feel about my staffers outside of the mush, because I’ve never really had a reason to, our world is a quiet world of text dragons and pixellated warriors in twelve point font.

Today however is a different day. Today I’ve decided to tell the world about the people that I’m proud to call my Staff, and that I’m lucky enough to call my friends. Most of you won’t know them. That’s okay. Most of you will never talk to them. That’s okay too. I’ll know them for you, and I’ll talk to them in your stead. These are people who are heroes. People who shape and mold a world with their very thoughts, who speak existence into life, and breathe livelihood into a flat, insubstantial idea that grows under their tuteledge. They are the creators and guardians of my World, and they are awe inspiring at what they do.

Meg is from the northeast USA, and is one of my Head Staff. She has been with me since about 6 months after the beginning and has stuck with me through the darkest times, troubled paths and thickets aplenty. She has helped steer me away from the pitfalls that lurk around every corner and in every path. And when I fall and make an ass of my self, she picks me up, brushes me off, and guards me from the derision of others. She has created and maintained a system for my world that is both flexible and adjustable. She has done in weeks what would take others months or years to do. She is the Hands and Brains of the body which is Winter’s edge, and I am proud to have her as my Head Coder and Theme writer.

Rune is also from the northeast USA, and is part and parcel (with Meg) of what I call my Dynamic Duo. She is also one of my Head Staff. She has the fire inside her that breathes the passion and life into the place that was, until she came, just a flat, dying idea in the back of my head. She creates the rules by which the world exists and makes the place fair for all to come, play, and enjoy. Rune has taken the dirt of my creation, breathed life into it and given it a world full of fiends and friends to walk in. She is passionate about her work, strict in her self control, and wonderful to work with. Any time I need to know what’s fair and what’s not, Rune is my moral compass. She is the conscience and imagination of the body which is Winter’s Edge, and I am proud to have her as my Head DM and my Policy Wiz.

Evighet is also from the USA, and joined us midway from beginning to this point. He has acted as a plotmaster, and as a DM, and finally earned his Wiz bit through hard work, dedication, and devotion. He has taken the ideas that have sprung from Rune, Meg, and Me, and turned them into functioning, working creations. He keeps the people in line, he directs the requests that they make to the right channels, and guards Rune, Meg, and Myself from attack by outside forces. Evighet has grown in Winter’s Edge like few others and has become the wall to which most of us wail to. Evighet takes so much into himself, so that others do not have to. He is the voice and the fire of Winter’s Edge, and I am proud to have him as my Assistant Head DM and adjudicated.

These folken are my Head Staff and I am amazed by the things they do day after day. I am proud to be able to call them friends.

There are others who staff with us, who help make the job a little less crazy day by day, and who help make the job worth doing.

Sigil – For a kind word, and a timely task, I thank you.

Kivi – For being there to help out with a Dwarven tale, and for lightening the mood as the days deepen, I thank you.

Arcanum – For your upright politeness, for taking a hand when no other was willing, I thank you.

Spasm – For being the sheer and utter madness that is the Spasm, and giving us the Spasm goes Spastic episode, as well as all that plotty goodness and helping us through some dark times, I thank you.

Valtameri – For running us through those times when everyone else was exhausted, and keeping the players happy with your ideas, I thank you.

There are others that have fallen by the wayside through Life, or strife, and I thank these people also, because they have helped grow Winter’s Edge to the place it is today, yes, even the times that we were driving each other crazy and wanting to rip the beating hearts from the others’s chests, all who have staffed have helped us grow the place. I thank you all.

And me? I’m not much of a much, I’m just a guy that had an idea and along the way picked up some exceptionally amazing hitchhikers that in turn showed me something worth doing, and did something worth seeing, and saw in me something worth believing in. Thank you guys, I love you each and every one.

More later,

S

I have a shitload of music. I never realized how much until I started trying to do the correct ID3 tags for them. GAH. You have no idea until you try to input Artist, Title, Album, Track, and Year for over 4,000 files. Motherfucker! Ah well. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I have so few actual albums that I have to do all the tags by hand instead of CDEX’ing them. I just wish there was an easy way to index them and label them. I’ve learned my lesson. Anytime I rip something to MP3, go ahead /right then/ and do the proper ID3 tag. Maybe the lesson will stick.

More later,

S