Something Swift this way comes…

Alright, it’s been six months since I’ve posted anything. I think it’s safe to say that nobody actually checks this thing anymore. Maybe if I start writing again it’ll stay just as dead *laughs*. Life this past six months has been interesting. It doesn’t feel like it’s only been six months. Everyone always asks now how the kids are, so I’ll get that right up front and out of the way – the kids are GREAT. I love each and every one of them so much. It’s amazing to me that as frustrating as life can be sometimes with all the interruptions, all the cacophony of daily routine, all the late nights that it can be so great. There are times that the kids are, well, kids. Times where you’re late for work and trying to help get the toddler dressed because she decided to completely disrobe. Times that you’re so tired you can barely stand and you hear ‘pick-a me up daddy!’ that completely melt your heart. It amazes me how much I can love them, how much my love for them grows every day. The kids are totally /awesome/.

Work has become busy of late. It was slow for a couple of weeks, but this week it has been completely slamming. Weariness, exhaustion, sore muscles, early bedtimes…all of that adds up to busy work. It feels like sometimes that whatever I’m working on at any given point stretches off to infinity, a point in the eternity of the beyond that I can neither see nor reach. Now that’s a depressing thought *laughs*. I know that every season passes, that every thing eventually comes to an end, a change. I know that. Yet sometimes – especially when doing something menial and tedious, it’s hard to remember. It’s also sometimes difficult to remember that whatever I’m doing at any given time is exactly where I’m supposed to be, and doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing. Living by faith is harder than it sounds sometimes.

I’ve also been going to church more often of late…spending more time reading my bible and talking to God. I guess in some people’s books that may make me a nutter. To others they don’t understand my choice but they understand the outreach to a higher power. All I can say is that my life is becoming different. My heart has been seeking peace, my mind has been searcing for solace and I’ve found a way to acheive it. Sometimes you have to be at peace when everything around you is burning down – sometimes that’s what it feels like. Especially at the end of the day facing a long drive home with nothing but my thoughts for company. I can go over my day and focus on every little thing that I did wrong, or I can think about the ways I’ve been blessed. It’s a choice that I find myself having to constantly make. Some days it’s easier than others, but I know that there’s always an open ear, and I take that opportunity more often than not to talk. Maybe there’s some out there that will understand.

I have to say that today I was conflicted. I don’t know if I handled the situation right or not. I thought about the conflict that was brought about by someone else and considered it for a while. The end result wasn’t what I would’ve chosen, but I think that I did right in stating that I was conflicted about it. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I fail a test only to find out later that it wasn’t a failure, just a small success – a single cobble in the road of my life as it were. Bluh…I don’t know.

I do know, however, that I have the greatest wife on the face of the Earth. I don’t know how I’d get by without her. Sometimes she’s so thoughtful that it just blows me away that she considers me loveable and worthy of her attention and affection. What can I say? I’m a darn lucky guy. Sometimes we get to fussing back and forth and I swear she doesn’t hear a word I say, then I’ll comment on something that I’m wishing for or thought about, not really expecting anything or wanting her to do anything, then a day later she comes up with the thing I was wising for. That blows me away more than anything else, just the sheer amount of love she has for me. I’m positively floored that I was lucky enough to marry her…and here it is almost 12 years later and she still loves me with as much (or more) fervor than when we first married. Talk about your help-mate. Honey if you’re reading this, I love you so much!

Anyways, that’s all I have for now…well, no I could keep going, but it’s already pretty lengthy, and it’s right at 10pm EST, so I’m going to turn into a pumpkin soon. I hope you guys all have a blessed and wonderful week, and I hope (if anyone actually reads this) that you’ll keep me in your prayers as I will keep you in mine.

Love you guys,

S

Okay, it’s been a little while and I felt the urge to update everyone on what’s going on with me. I’ve been so busy with work the last three months that it’s been completely nuts. I find myself pulling from waking to sleeping and back again with little to distinguish the two. I’ve had a couple of serious projects at work that have really been a boon, and a boost to my credibility with linux within the company. With that said I’m trying to plan a trip to Jacksonville to the Florida Linux Show on March 9th, and if I’m lucky, work may spring for the entrance and gas to and from. If that works out then it’ll be awesome, if not then I’m likely going to schedule the day off and pay my own way in. It’s a chance to get out and actually attend one of the conferences (albeit a small one) that deal with something I really dig into, something I really believe in.

The other thing is the adoption…most of the people who read this blog know me well enough to know that the wife and I have been trying to adopt four beautiful, smart, zany kids for a year or so now (it feels like forever sometimes!), well, the adoption is finally upon us! WOOT!!! Sometimes something so big in our lives loom so large over us that it seems like the waiting will crush us, that we’ll never endure the anticipation of ‘finishing’. Well, here it is, 6 days away from meeting with the judge and having everything for sure, legally, finally done. It hasn’t completely sunk in yet…there’s always a part of me that stands off to the side and says to be careful of raising up hopes lest they be dashed upon the rocks of realism, that something could go wrong, that a paper may be mis-filed, that someone may decide at the last minute that we haven’t jumped through enough hoops…the doubt, the fear is there…the dogged determination that is within me that so many seem to admire is the part of me that I call my Eeyore personality simply puts his head patiently down and gently wags his tacked-on tail and says ‘If that’s the way it is, then I’ll endure that as well’. The doubtful part of me hates Eeyore with a passion that would be frightening if it weren’t so silly. That’s okay, fortunately Eeyore is the personality that always wins over, out of sheer ‘That’s okay, I’m used to it.’.

Odd that I would identify with Eeyore so much, isn’t it? I guess I’ve always identified with that personality type though…even my favourite character in one of my favourite movies is Ludo from Labyrinth. Same archetype. Same feel…maybe I’m just a big dumb monster. That’s okay though, I understand that underneath, there is a heart of stolid love, of patience that will stand and be…perhaps it’s just me, perhaps I see flaws within me that make me want to strive for that ideal, or perhaps that really is me on the inside, the me that I rarely show to the outside world – but that tries to shine through anyways.

Nah, I’m just a big dumb monster.

God bless us, God keep us, me and my family and those that I’ve been lucky enough in life to call my friends.

Help us through this, and everything else.

Thank you all for checking in on me, and I promise that I don’t forget about you, just that some days it’s all I can do to drag myself off to sleep at the end of it all. I pray you all good tidings and peace.

S

Okay, you guys know that I got a kitchenaid mixer from the wife for Christmas (GO WIFE!!!), I’ve been a bread making fool for the last couple of weeks…yeast rolls, pound cake, garlic parmesan bread, all kinds of stuff. Today I’m making a couple of loaves of Amish White Bread, a slightly sweet, hopefully fluffy bread that is supposed to be a good base for other things.

As I was standing there working with the mixer getting everything prepped up while I let my yeast bloom I stood there absently thinking about how good it smells and how it makes me think of ‘home’ of holidays and happy times. I couldn’t help but get swept away in my own mind by what an earthy, happy, healthy smell that is. I don’t know anyone that despises the smell of baking, of the aromas and odors that come out of it. I can’t think of a single person that leaves the room when the bread making starts. In fact, my two little girls so far always come into the kitchen and sit on a little step stool we have there, playing ‘mommy and honey’ (a version of ‘house’ that they have), all the while watching me prepping the yeast, laying out all my ingredients, mixing the dough, kneading it out, laying it out to rise. It is a happy time, and one that I hope they will always remember – especially when they smell fresh baked bread. I’ve said it before, sometimes I think the old ways are the good ways, things that bring us together don’t have to be things that keep us busy and occupied…it can be the simple things like baking bread together.

I also can’t help but think too about that sweet heady smell in my relationship with God. II Corinthians 14 – 17 says: Now thanks be to God, which always causes us to triumph in Christ, and makes manifest the aroma of his knowledge by us in every place. For we are to God a sweet smell of Christ, in them that are saved, and in them that perish: To the one we are the smell of death to death; and to the other the smell of life to life. And who is sufficient for these things? For we are not as many, which corrupt the word of God: but as of sincerity, but as of God, in the sight of God speak we in Christ.

The emphasis there is mine. I hope that I can one day become the sweet smell of Christ to God in them that are saved, the smell of life.

These things are not coincidence, they are not happenstance. Happiness comes for a reason and joy follows through trial and tribulation. It is my greatest desire that these things take root in my life and the life of my children and grow strong and mighty.

S

So I worked 12 1/2 hours today. That was fun. I think I’m going to go lay down into a coma now. Before I go, I noticed in my blogstats tracking thingie that I got like 7 hits on a post from 2007…that was made by Steve. Apparently Journey is big. Meh. So yeah, today was a heck of a day. I hope everyone else had a much better monday than I did!

Other than that, nothing major to report, except for the fact that I want to Congratulate Mr. & Mrs. CoolBlueReason, a healthy baby girl was born! WOOHOO!!! Congrats bro, I just want you to know how much I wish we could’ve been there for that. I know that things are really hectic right now, and chances are you’ll not get a chance to read this for a little while, but I know some of the stuff you’re going through as a new dad, and if you need to talk bro, you know I’m always here. Even if it’s just in email. I want you both to know what a beautiful baby girl she is, and how lucky you are…congrats my friend, now the real work starts.

Love you guys,

S

Okay, so I didn’t post anything before Christmas, but I am getting my pre-newyears post in. I had a really good Christmas – finally got the awesome Kitchenaid Stand Mixer that I’ve been asking for since I got married. The wife sprung for one and got it for me for Christmas….she’s so awesome! So I’ve been making bread like a mad man, some of it good, some of it not so good, but this thing has a thousand and one uses, I’m telling ya! Anyways, it’s been a hard day at work, running network cable through a building that could withstand a nuclear bomb-blast…two to three foot thick concrete walls reinforced with steel bars and wire mesh – they don’t build these things like they used to, I’m telling you. Anyways, that’s what I spent most of my day doing, and what I’ll likely spend most of my day tomorrow working on. That was utterly pleasant, though I must say that it was nice to have some help on the job – this is not a one man job.

Anyways, I’m hoping that everyone had a Merry Christmas, and a safe one as well. I don’t know why we always get so hectic around Christmas time when it should be a time for relaxing with the family, taking it easy and making each other understand how much we care for them. Ah well, I suppose that after new year’s eve is done and all of that, it’ll go back to normal and maybe we all won’t be so tired. That’s the hope, anyways.

The kids had a great Christmas, by the way, and they got some really cool gifts both from friends and family, as well as Santa Claus. I know that we won’t always be able to do a great big Christmas, but it’s nice being able to do that for them now as we’re almost a ‘real’ family. Won’t be long now and it’ll all be said and done. Anyways, I’m out for now, but I hope everyone has a safe week, and a safe new year’s. PLEASE!!! Don’t drink and drive.

I love you guys, and I wish you all the best.

Happy New Year,

S

Okay, so the theme that I’ve been going with of song titles or lines from songs still fits. This one is Fleetwood Mac. Most of you probably don’t remember this one, but that’s okay. So I’ve been dizzy now for the last three days. Persistant dizziness. I don’t know why – initially I thought that it might be tied to my blood sugar levels (glucose if you prefer that term), but today I had the wife check it for me and it was at 110 – within normal operating parameters. Apparently it’s not tied to that. She suggested blood pressure, and that may well be it. I’m thinking though that it probably has to do with my level of exhaustion. I’ve been exceedingly tired here lately…well, for the last 6 months really. I don’t know what would cause this, but I’m planning on getting a doctor’s appointment to get checked out after the first of the year. I know, why wait? Well, I don’t want to mess up Christmas if it’s something major. If it’s not something major then I don’t really have any worries. So there, I’ve rationalized it. Most of you that know me know that I’m an expert in that.

I’ve been slowly wearing myself out at work, and now I’m just doing good to be able to recoup a little energy over the weekend – been working straight through those on special projects, etc. as well over the last few months, so this weekend I’ve basically done absolutely nothing. I still need to do some laundry tonight, but that’s it for ‘work’ or ‘chores’. I’m just worn down and bone weary. I know, I always complain about how tired I am on here, but it seems like the older I get, the worse it gets.

Anyways, I’m hoping that I get a chance to post again before Christmas is over and done with, but if I don’t I want to take a moment to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas. In the shuffle and hurry we all seem to forget the real meaning behind this season. I know a lot of you may not agree with my own personal beliefs about Christ and Christianity, but I have to say the real reason behind Christmas has nothing to do with fat red elves, nothing to do with presents, nothing to do with the warm feeling of giving and/or receiving presents. It doesn’t even have to do with the togetherness of loved ones. It’s all about the birth of a man that changed the world, that came to offer every person on Earth salvation through his birth, life, death and resurection. I can only imagine that I’ll get some nasty comments or some back-biting thoughts and that’s okay. I know that those that I count as friends respect my beliefs, whether they agree with them or not. Just remember when you’re sitting down with your family and/or friends this year that 2000 years ago a little baby was born in impossible circumstances, the hope of the whole world, and the salvation of that world. Belief is something that everyone has, whether it’s in Christ, God, the world, science, or whatever force they decide to accept as their own personal system. I know that I am not the Model Christian, most would point to my many many faults and laugh, calling me hypocrite, sinner, unworthy. They would be right. I am a sinner, so are we all. I do have many faults and failings…however it’s through the Son of Man that I’ve been forgiven. Not everyone can say that, and those who can will understand what I mean. I’m not perfect, though I strive to be I know I will not attain perfection in this life. However, I have a faith and a hope for the next thing that comes after this…and for that I am thankful. That most of my family are believers I am even more thankful for, as it means I will see them when all is said and done, that we will not be parted forever, but be rejoined in the body of believers caught up in the place where we will meet Him. I just hope that I can try and be the kind of husband, father, son, brother, and friend that I ought to be.

So, there, it’s out now. Something I try never to do – discuss my beliefs online, I’ve gone and done it, but I felt that I had to share this, in case there is someone out there who is confused about the whole meaning of the season, the whole reason that those of us who follow Christ believe what we believe (or even just to explain what, exactly that it is we believe), and that you too can have what I have if you are called to and so choose. I would hope that everyone reading this would agree with me, but I know in my heart that it is not so. For those of you who disbelieve or disagree all that I ask is that you who know me, know that I would never willingly lead anyone into something that would do them harm, please keep an open mind as you go through the holiday. I love each and every one of you and I pray that your Christmas is a happy one.

S

So I’ve been working my tail off lately. The week starting after Thanksgiving (USA) began a time of hectic work for me. This is actually oddly unexpected because the Christmas holidays are supposed to be our slow season. I don’t think the folks around got the memo about the TPS reports. So I’ve been working on various projects, putting out multiple fires and getting everything into a stable state once more. Odd how two days off will apparently cause things to go straight down the tubes.

On a completely different track, I brought home an Eee pc last night to work on it – being a linux user in a tech company in south GA means I am the ‘Linux Guy’ company wide. Nothing like a little job security, eh? *laughs* So, anyways, I brought this tiny little thing home to work on it since I knew I wouldn’t get much of a chance to at work today, the wife absolutely fell in love with it. She loved the fact that it was so small that she could slip it into her purse and take it out when she needed it instead of having to carry around Yet Another Bag. She also really dug the interface to it. She noted when she faux-typed on the keyboard that she’d likely have to trim her fingernails to be able to use it because the keys have so little depth to them. But I showed her how it worked and how it runs (it uses the Ubuntu operating system and the Sugar user interface) and she was deeply in love with it after only about 5 minutes. I think I’ve made my wife fully and finally into a comfortable linux user. So that’s likely the next thing she’ll be asking for on her wish list of tech toys. Not that her list is all that long – she loves a geek and geeks out when she can, but she’s not full-blown hard-core geekgurlie. That’s okay though, one geek in the family is enough I think.

Other news, well, most of the regular readers of this little page on the web know what’s going on in my life right now that’s hugely momentous. I’m not going to talk about it here, but I do wish that those who pray please send up some words for us that everything goes smoothly and in our favour. Things are coming to a head and we’re working towards fruition of a three (going on four) year project that is likely the hardest thing I’ve ever done and is likely to be one of the hardest emotional things I’ve ever gone through. I thank you guys for the love and support that we’ve received so far on this and only ask that you continue to pray for us.

To everyone else who are now scratching their heads and going ‘WTF??’ I would like to wish everyone a happy holidays. But more than that, I want to tell you Merry Christmas. And yes, there is a difference .

God Bless, and to all a good night.

S

Also, a short one while I should be driving to work and instead am lazing a bit before heading out:

WooHoo to Bru! Only a little while left before she’s done with school and can get to work on her dissertation.

Maybe then she’ll have time to do things like Boardgame night, post in her blog more regularly, and in general worry less!

I love ya Bru,

Yer lil’ brother
S

So, I upgraded the site to Wordpress 2.7 this morning. Most of you probably won’t notice any difference as most of the changes are on the back end, but that’s what I was doing at 7am this morning before going to work. I guess we find the time to squeeze in the things we like to do when we can.

Aside from that, I’ve had a hectic couple of weeks. Several major systems went down a week and a half ago and I’ve been putting out fires ever since. Just when you think you’re going to get caught up with work it seems like something else dumps on you. I hate the thought of being so tired that I miss something, that I mess something up, so I try to stay with it, stay honed and focussed. Fortunately that works for me .

As many of you know, the wife and I are trying to adopt four children…as we have lived together for the last year, they have come to be my kids in all but the letter of the law. I would jump in front of a bus to save them…I love each of them and their own special unique personality. I can’t quite explain how much, how feirce is my love for each of my kids, but I know those of you who are parents (and soon to be parents! Congrats J!!) probably understand all too well what I mean by that, how I feel. I had a thought today though. I was working on a customer’s systems and watched their youngest boy crawl around on the floor, babbling happily to himself. It was a sad thought and one that still cuts me in the middle a little.

You don’t know how lucky you are. You get to watch all of your children grow up, be there for their milestones, be there for the night terrors and the emergency visits to the doctor when they won’t stop coughing. That time that the took their first wobbling steps and sat down *OOF* on their tush. Whether you have pictures or videos or just memories, you have that. We were lucky to be able to get that with Buggles, but with the other three, we missed those first steps in their lives. We didn’t get to experience that with them. We didn’t get to comfort them through the still watches of the night as they sobbed out their infant fears. I am jealous of the people who parented my children before me – not enough to be vindictive – just enough that it saddens me that these kids, so perfectly made for us that it makes my heart ache with love when I hold them in my arms, it makes me deeply sad that I couldn’t be their father from the first. It breaks my heart, too, that they’ve had to experience some of the things that they have, being ‘in the system’ as they have been for years, and I can see its mark in each of their faces, of the way they carry themselves. They are brilliant lights, shining in black velvet, forlorn at times because they are beginning to let go of their fear and mistrust, beginning to rely on us and love us. It makes me want to weep that they have had to harbor that fear and mistrust at all, but it makes my heart sing with joy when they come to me and show their love, respect, and trust in the little ways that they do. Wordless, they’ll each one crawl up into my lap one by one and hug me as tight as their little arms can. Whispering I love you doesn’t encompass the depth and breadth of feeling that I have for each of them.

I pray daily that I am a good father to them, that I can raise them up in the way that they should go, that I can be a rock for them. That they can always trust me to do what is best for them and not with-hold my love and affection from them as so many do from their children. I pray that I can be the person that they will always be able to trust with their hearts – both when they’re soaring with joy and crushed with despair. I just want to love them forever, they’re as much my babies as if the wife and I had conceived each one of them, and I love them greatly. Sometimes the weight of my love for them is astounding, and I can only pray that the impending adoption proceedings go smoothly and well, that there is nothing to halt our final joining as a family in the eyes of the law. I pray that one day I will be able to hold their children and tell them how much I love them, and how much I love their parents.

The traffic lights…they turn blue tomorrow.

S

Alright, I just have to share this with you.

I was at work, it was approximately 4:15pm EST. and I had gone into my manager’s office to sit and relax a bit from my day. The three of us were in there taking a short break shooting the shite and talking about general stuff. We inevitably got around to discussing the holidays and what days we would be off, what days the holidays fell on, etc. As we were discussing it, my manager pipes up and says ‘Yeah, Christmas is on Thursday…You know, whatever day Thanksgiving is on, that’s the same day Christmas is on.’

I’ll pause here for you to catch up to that last statement.

It seems to be that she has laboured under the misapprehension that Christmas falls on whatever day of the week that Thanksgiving does. I slowly explained to her ‘no…Christmas day is on the 25th of December’ and she pipes right back up with ‘You’re talking about the /date/ I’m talking about the /day/.’

Again I’ll pause here for a short moment. Let me know when the snickering has stopped…or at least slowed.

So, yeah, I explained to her that no, christmas is always on the 25th no matter what day of the week that happens to fall on. We argued a bit after I explained to her that Thanksgiving was always the last thursday of the month of November and she fought right back tooth and nail that the 25th always fell on the last thursday in December. Finally I asked her right out, “Why do you think that Christmas always falls on the last thursday of the month?” her answer?

“Well, I just figured ‘they’ worked it out so that the 25th always falls on the last thursday of the month.”

Pardon me while I try to hold my intestines in from the internal pressure of the laughter that wants to bubble up and over-spill.

Ahh, now that’s done, let me finish off with my question to her:

“And /who/ exactly do you think bends space and time to alter the very rotation of the Earth around the sun so that it makes Christmas happen on the last thursday of December? God just decreed ‘Christmas Has To Be On a Thursday!!’?”

I needed that laugh, and she didn’t seem to be too miffed at me for it. I warned her though that I’d be blogging about it later.

*snickers*

More later,

S